TITLE: My Sister's Dating a Serial Killer
GENRE: YA Thriller
High school's a bummer, especially when Cameo Carter has to stop her older sister from dating a serial killer; if Cammie doesn't hurry and get hard evidence on him, he might just put her on his To Do List.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice, concise and interesting. I'd read this.
ReplyDeleteSome stories lend themselves to simple loglines. This is one. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteLove the first sentence! I'd make these two separate sentences, without the semi-colon.
ReplyDeleteThis is quite good except her goal is probably not to stop them from dating. It sounds like she is trying to prove he's a killer .
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Keep the name consistent. Also, what's her goal? Is it to stop her sister from dating him or is it to get evidence on him? I know they're intricately tied together, but since you don't have many words in a logline, you need to focus on a singular goal. But you caught my interest, and I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteInteresting! But I think the first phrase is kind of cliche and not really important to the story.
ReplyDeleteIs she only wanting to get hard evidence to keep her sister from dating the guy or wouldn't she rather put him behind bars?
Otherwise, yes, very concise. Well done getting a lot of information in a few words.
I disagree with the other commenters, and think the goal makes a lot of sense. She is trying to stop him from dating her sister! And she's trying to get hard evidence on him. I think it's clear, and I think bringing the sister into it really ups the ante.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice in your logline. It makes the story sound like it will have some humor in it, which is great in a YA thriller. The intro is a bit cliché but I thought it added to the voice and explained that Cameo is in high school. What about the sister? Is she also in high school or is she in college? And I was a little confused at the end...is he putting Cameo or her older sister on his TO DO list? It kind of has a double meaning if it's the sister he's dating... ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite one so far. It's concise, clean and has great voice. Sounds like good book too. :)
ReplyDeleteI loved this! I think your logline works, and your story sounds like something I'd read as well!
ReplyDeleteLike it! I liked the to do list comment.
ReplyDeleteI think, to make the logline even more concise, you can drop the part about high school's a bummer and replace it with "High school student Cameo Carter" or something to that effect. Don't change her name in the middle. and I wasn't sure if "her" referred to Cameo or to her sister.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I get the feeling this is a fun and suspenseful read!
Yep, this works. But the name change left a bit of confusion. Keep that consistent and I think it's good to go.
ReplyDeleteI liked it! I, too, recommend losing "High school's a bummer..." The log line stands fine without it.
ReplyDeleteExcellent stuff. I actually raised my eyebrows when I read it. Not only is it nice and compact, it enticed me to read further. You could tighten some screws, but I'm confident you can pull it off. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteI tend to agree with Petre that it's pretty clear as is.
ReplyDeleteI think the opening can go too. The last phrase is a nice bit of voice, or you could sprinkle in a bit more with a more original wording somewhere else within. Don't muck it up, though, because it's snappy now.
you had me at the title! good work!!
ReplyDeleteI agree that the opening can go and don't change her name midway. The To Do List is good.
ReplyDeleteMake it two sentences like suggested and it's great!
ReplyDeleteLove the premise of your book!!!
This is covered in awesomeness! Great stuff. I'm with the others on the Cameo/Cammie thing, but the serial killer angle got me over it. ;)
ReplyDeleteI like this! I would pick it up at a bookstore. But drop tbe "bummer" part.
ReplyDeleteI agree about making it two sentences and also about clarifying her goal. Also, I think it would read more cleanly if you dropped "hurry up and." The sentence means the same without it, so it feels like filler.
ReplyDeleteOverall, great voice and I love how concise it is.
The tone definitely sounded humorous to me so I was unsure if YA Thriller is the right genre choice. Does YA Humorous Thriller exist? Or maybe a YA Humorous Cosy?
ReplyDeleteI liked this and thought it worked.
ReplyDeleteLike your premise. For some reason I immediately wanted to change "To Do List" to "To Die List", but that may be too much?
ReplyDeleteI think the introductory phrase could go. It serves to weaken the punchline. I'd read this, though! Good job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others that you could lose the bummer part, but all in all, this is very intriguing. I loved the To Do List!
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