You're almost there with that log line, but you're being hampered by why risk registering if the penalty is death? Somehow you've got to convey that too.
Hey guys! Thanks for the advice and comments! What about this:
TITLE: FORCED TO FLY GENRE: YA Fantasy
Lori Gibbs can fly, so her parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents move into the palace for life and can be elected to serve on the Council that rules Easten. If she fails to impress, she'll hang.
The revised one is much better. It would help to give her a reason why they need to move into the palace (because why would they risk her life otherwise?)
I was impressed and sat up when I read the first effort, if not only for brevity but the punch. I do agree that a touch more flesh on the bones would help, so the second cut works, but I do agree with Holly. Why does the family have to risk her death to show off the talent. Nice work!
Your second logline here is much stronger, having more tangible details. The only thing it lacked for me was a good reason why she'd be hanged. Is the society terrified of witches?
Definitely like the second one better. The only thing that I think is missing is what it really means that she can fly. Levitate herself off the ground, swoop around a room or fly a plane and no one else can. I know you don't mean the latter, but with so few words, the magical side is lost. And what kind of talents do the other kids have? If they're all magical, you might be able to simply use the name of the talent show to tell us. Cuz if the rest of them are doing air-guitar, we probably don't need to worry about her hanging!
The first was amazingly short but lacking - it didn't make me want to read the story to find out if she hangs. My guess is, she doesn't.
The second is MUCH better. I agree with the others though: Why? Why risk her life just to move? Why WOULDN'T the judges be impressed with a flying girl?
I would like to see more of Lori's character (just an adjective would do - something so we know a bit more about her) and a touch of the back story (why the parents are willing to risk their daughter's life just to move - maybe they are homeless or living in a slum?).
Maybe because I've a little bit about this already, I knew instantly knew what the story was about. But I do like the 2nd one better. It explains why she is risking her like: her parents greed.
THank you all so much for your suggestions- you are helping a ton! What about this:
Lori can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten’s Talent Show at the highest level. If she impresses the judges, her parents have an opportunity to serve on the Council that rules Easten. If she fails to impress, or if she gets caught trying to save the less talented contestant, she’ll hang.
I like this last one, the beginning is much clearer, gives a great sense of the story, but I feel that it is a bit too long now. Maybe the last sentence could simply read: "If she fails, she'll hang."
I love that your putting your revised loglines in the comments! I liked both your revisions. I think the second one is really strong, but I agree with Piper that it's a bit long.
Stay focused only on your main character, maybe something like Lori's power-hungry parents force her to show her flying talent, but _______(conflict) and ___(obstacle) could stop her.
Something like this format will make it clea what's her goal and what could be the outcome if she fails. Good luck.
I think the second one is a definite improvement, but I was left wondering if only the winner of the talent show survives and why the losers would be killed. Perhaps talking more about this being a winner take all stakes competition with the winner getting rewards beyond their imagination sets up the stakes.
Ah, sorry. I think I confused people. I'll take out the "or if she gets caught trying to save the less talented contestant" part and simplify that line to: "if she fails to impress, she'll hang."
You are so close, I think adding a slight description about the contest could help. Maybe if change last bit to "If she fails in the winner takes all competition, she'll hang." I'd also take out the word impress at the end. Since you use it earlier, we can infer that a failure is a failure to impress without the extra words.
I agree with Fictionwriter's suggestion. I like the second revision even better than 3rd. Oh, how we can get in the way of ourselves! Really neat idea. Reminds me of Matilda by Dahl.
Maybe we could take a vote? If anyone is still reading these (heh), take a look at the two logline examples below, and let me know which one you like best. Or, what should be removed/added between the two?
1. Lori Gibbs can fly, so her parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten. If she fails, she'll hang.
2. Lori Gibbs can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten’s Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten, and she's sent back home to pop out her own talented children. If Lori fails, she’ll hang.
Walking in late to the party to say I prefer #1 in your revised-revised options. It's energetic and conveys enough to entice. You might want to add "a rare gift" so we know the other contestants can't fly as well.
The "pop out her own talented children" pulled me right out and felt like too much.
J - I prefer #1, but it's still clunky. "register" and "opportunity" don't roll off the tongue. "Ruling" council could go. "Easten" can go - we have no attachment to this town. Is it small, large, in the future?
When I work loglines, I type on a blank paper and force myself to write at least 3 versions that start altogether different. One mentions the MC's name, the other doesn't. And then the questions begin.
Does it matter that her parents were the ones to sign her up - she's in the contest, period. "When a (reluctant?) Lori Gibbs enters a small-town talent show, her rare gift will either seal her parents' destiny or send her to the gallows." Not the best, but hope this helps.
I like the final version but without the addition of either helping the less fortunate contestants or popping out her own kids. Just say if she wins, her parents get to rule, and if she fails, she'll hang.
(And I want to punch her parents in the mouth right now, so well done on conveying their characters so clearly.)
The logline makes it sound as though the whole story is about the competition, and it would seem there should be more to it than that. Is that just where the story starts? What happens after that?
I think it's good, but I still come away wanting to know why she's going to be hung if she fails. And yes, it's an incentive to read more, but it doesn't do it for me in the logline - hanging seems a bit harsh for not winning a talent show!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou're almost there with that log line, but you're being hampered by why risk registering if the penalty is death? Somehow you've got to convey that too.
ReplyDeleteI'm a fan of brevity but this logline could be flushed out more.
ReplyDeleteHey guys! Thanks for the advice and comments! What about this:
ReplyDeleteTITLE: FORCED TO FLY
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Lori Gibbs can fly, so her parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents move into the palace for life and can be elected to serve on the Council that rules Easten. If she fails to impress, she'll hang.
The revised one is much better. It would help to give her a reason why they need to move into the palace (because why would they risk her life otherwise?)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I was impressed and sat up when I read the first effort, if not only for brevity but the punch. I do agree that a touch more flesh on the bones would help, so the second cut works, but I do agree with Holly. Why does the family have to risk her death to show off the talent. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteYour second logline here is much stronger, having more tangible details. The only thing it lacked for me was a good reason why she'd be hanged. Is the society terrified of witches?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely like the second one better. The only thing that I think is missing is what it really means that she can fly. Levitate herself off the ground, swoop around a room or fly a plane and no one else can. I know you don't mean the latter, but with so few words, the magical side is lost. And what kind of talents do the other kids have? If they're all magical, you might be able to simply use the name of the talent show to tell us. Cuz if the rest of them are doing air-guitar, we probably don't need to worry about her hanging!
ReplyDeleteGood job.
The first was amazingly short but lacking - it didn't make me want to read the story to find out if she hangs. My guess is, she doesn't.
ReplyDeleteThe second is MUCH better. I agree with the others though: Why? Why risk her life just to move? Why WOULDN'T the judges be impressed with a flying girl?
I would like to see more of Lori's character (just an adjective would do - something so we know a bit more about her) and a touch of the back story (why the parents are willing to risk their daughter's life just to move - maybe they are homeless or living in a slum?).
Maybe because I've a little bit about this already, I knew instantly knew what the story was about. But I do like the 2nd one better. It explains why she is risking her like: her parents greed.
ReplyDeleteTHank you all so much for your suggestions- you are helping a ton! What about this:
ReplyDeleteLori can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten’s Talent Show at the highest level. If she impresses the judges, her parents have an opportunity to serve on the Council that rules Easten. If she fails to impress, or if she gets caught trying to save the less talented contestant, she’ll hang.
Also, if you're logline was drawn, Twitter me your entry number so I can make sure to return the favor and critique it after work! (@jk_adams)
ReplyDeleteI like this last one, the beginning is much clearer, gives a great sense of the story, but I feel that it is a bit too long now. Maybe the last sentence could simply read: "If she fails, she'll hang."
ReplyDeleteI love that your putting your revised loglines in the comments! I liked both your revisions. I think the second one is really strong, but I agree with Piper that it's a bit long.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea,
ReplyDeletebut...
Stay focused only on your main character, maybe something like Lori's power-hungry parents force her to show her flying talent, but _______(conflict) and ___(obstacle) could stop her.
Something like this format will make it clea what's her goal and what could be the outcome if she fails. Good luck.
I think the second one is a definite improvement, but I was left wondering if only the winner of the talent show survives and why the losers would be killed. Perhaps talking more about this being a winner take all stakes competition with the winner getting rewards beyond their imagination sets up the stakes.
ReplyDeleteAh, sorry. I think I confused people. I'll take out the "or if she gets caught trying to save the less talented contestant" part and simplify that line to: "if she fails to impress, she'll hang."
ReplyDeleteThese comments are awesome- Thanks again!!
You are so close, I think adding a slight description about the contest could help. Maybe if change last bit to "If she fails in the winner takes all competition, she'll hang." I'd also take out the word impress at the end. Since you use it earlier, we can infer that a failure is a failure to impress without the extra words.
ReplyDeleteI like the 2nd one much better as well, and I personally love the cliff-*hang*er (pun intended).
ReplyDeleteI agree with Fictionwriter's suggestion. I like the second revision even better than 3rd. Oh, how we can get in the way of ourselves! Really neat idea. Reminds me of Matilda by Dahl.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe we could take a vote? If anyone is still reading these (heh), take a look at the two logline examples below, and let me know which one you like best. Or, what should be removed/added between the two?
1. Lori Gibbs can fly, so her parents register her in Easten's Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten. If she fails, she'll hang.
2. Lori Gibbs can fly, a rare gift, so her power-hungry parents register her in Easten’s Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents earn the opportunity to serve on the ruling Council of Easten, and she's sent back home to pop out her own talented children. If Lori fails, she’ll hang.
Walking in late to the party to say I prefer #1 in your revised-revised options. It's energetic and conveys enough to entice. You might want to add "a rare gift" so we know the other contestants can't fly as well.
ReplyDeleteThe "pop out her own talented children" pulled me right out and felt like too much.
J - I prefer #1, but it's still clunky. "register" and "opportunity" don't roll off the tongue. "Ruling" council could go. "Easten" can go - we have no attachment to this town. Is it small, large, in the future?
ReplyDeleteWhen I work loglines, I type on a blank paper and force myself to write at least 3 versions that start altogether different. One mentions the MC's name, the other doesn't. And then the questions begin.
Does it matter that her parents were the ones to sign her up - she's in the contest, period. "When a (reluctant?) Lori Gibbs enters a small-town talent show, her rare gift will either seal her parents' destiny or send her to the gallows." Not the best, but hope this helps.
I like the final version but without the addition of either helping the less fortunate contestants or popping out her own kids. Just say if she wins, her parents get to rule, and if she fails, she'll hang.
ReplyDelete(And I want to punch her parents in the mouth right now, so well done on conveying their characters so clearly.)
The logline makes it sound as though the whole story is about the competition, and it would seem there should be more to it than that. Is that just where the story starts? What happens after that?
ReplyDeleteI think it's good, but I still come away wanting to know why she's going to be hung if she fails. And yes, it's an incentive to read more, but it doesn't do it for me in the logline - hanging seems a bit harsh for not winning a talent show!
ReplyDelete