TITLE: TERRA INCOGNITA
GENRE: YA Post-apocalyptic Paranormal
When seventeen-year old Haylee Wells stumbles through a portal and wakes to a post-apocalyptic future, she discovers the Pale Ones – creatures that can kill with a single touch – have propelled her through time to claim a power she didn’t know she had.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This seems promising. "The Pale Ones" makes me think of vampires a little bit, although I imagine that's not what you mean. Will her power help her prevent the apocalypse?
ReplyDeleteNice. Concise, gets right to the point. The stakes - trapped in a dangerous future, could get killed by creepy creatures - are appropriately high. I'd like to know more about this power she has, but only if it could be described very briefly in the logline. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is all setup. What happens when she finds this out and what challenge does it create for her?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I had the same reaction as Holly. And then what? This is her problem, so what is she going to do about it? And I'd also like a hint about her power. But the rest seems promising.
ReplyDeleteOK, now she has this power. Why do they want her to have it, and what do they expect her to do with it, and does she want this for her self?
ReplyDelete"have propelled her through time to claim a power she didn’t know she had." And...?
ReplyDeleteI once discovered a power I didn't know I had. I can burp REALLY loud. It makes my kids laugh.
And so what? If she discovered she had the ability to shoot lasers out of her butt what difference does it make? There's no conflict or stakes here except for the implied threat of the Pale Ones. Which, by itself, could easily be overcome by the very common power of Staying the Heck Away From Them.
Admirable brevity, though you could hop through the portal-fantasy premise a little faster (she really only needs to "wake up" or "go through a portal" in something so brief). You need to tell me what A) the power is, and B) what she does with it. Giving her some agency in her story would help the close.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This is great. Just enough detail and a great hook.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I kind of got confused after "single touch". How can they send her into the future? Why is her power important?
ReplyDeleteGreat title. I think this logline has an intriguing set-up. I think just one more clause or sentence would be perfect to show what she wants to do with this set-up. Like, 'Now she just has a collapsed government to fix' or 'Now she extract revenge on the Pale Ones' or whatever it is she does!
ReplyDeleteWow, post-apocalyptic, portal and time travel!
ReplyDeleteBut yes, please more info on the power and what she wants.
I'm not sure that the explanation of the Pale Ones is necessary at a log line level. I'd be inclined to drop from "she discovers the Pale Ones ...." all together and describe what problems she encounters and why she is the only one who can solve it.
ReplyDeleteNice job. I want to know how her power changes things -- for the better or worse?
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your comments! Okay, I have rewritten my logline, mostly by adding to what I already had... What do you think?
ReplyDeleteWhen seventeen-year old Haylee stumbles through a portal into a post-apocalyptic future, she discovers the Pale Ones – creatures that can kill with a single touch – have propelled her through time to claim a power she didn’t know she had. In a world where nearly every human has an ability, her quick healing and aptitude for seeing auras doesn’t seem nearly special enough, yet the supposedly immortal creatures still desire to enslave her.
OR
When seventeen-year old Haylee stumbles through a portal into a post-apocalyptic future, she discovers the reigning Pale Ones covet a power she didn’t know she had. As she survives in a world where nearly every human has an ability, it isn’t her quick healing and aptitude for seeing auras that make her special, but her bravery and willingness to risk her life for the friends she makes along they way.
Is one better than the other? Or should I combine elements of the two? Which descriptor is better for the Pale Ones, I wonder: immortal or reigning? Also, I have managed to keep them just below 75 words, for future use... :) Thanks again!
Oops... actually I posted the wrong version above... the second one is correct by I meant to post this instead of the first one (I don't know, the other might be better)... Sorry...
ReplyDeleteWhen seventeen-year old Haylee stumbles through a portal into a post-apocalyptic future, she discovers the Pale Ones – creatures that can kill with a single touch – have propelled her through time to claim a power she didn’t know she had. Though she doesn’t understand why the supposedly immortal creatures would want an inexperienced Seer with a knack for healing, she knows she must find a way home or risk enslavement.
I think you have the same problem I have: an interesting book that comes across as complicated in a logline or query. I think yours (as well as mine) would benefit from simplification. I'll give it my best rewrite as practice for doing mine :)
ReplyDeleteWhen 17-year-old Haylee stumbles through a portal into a post-apocalyptic future, she discovers she has a knack for healing and an ability to see auras. But when the immortal Pale Ones covet her powers, she must find her way home or risk enslavement.
How's that? :)
Thanks, Jessica! That's a great example and helps a lot! I'll definitely work on simplification... Good luck with yours!
ReplyDelete