TITLE: Chrysalis
GENRE: YA
Seventeen-year-old Ivy Chapel has the soul of an angel…literally. Shadowed by a secret past she doesn’t remember, Ivy finds herself the missing piece in the middle of a life or death battle between two adversaries. She will soon discover the implications of this amazing revelation as the fate of her heart—and the world—hangs in the balance.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is too passive. What does she want and who or what is stopping her from getting it? As written, it sounds like she s watching this unfold as if it's a TV show.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
"She will soon discover he implications of this amazing revelation" does nothing for you. It takes up space without telling us anything. Be specific. Who wants to use her? To do what? How will she stop them? Also, this sounds remarkably like Laini Taylor's Daughter of Smoke and Bone (which I loved!) so you need some hint of how your story is different.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your help! I'll make some changes. I've never heard of Laini Taylor's Daughter of Smoke and Bone. I'll check it out. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid the sentence "Ivy finds herself the missing piece in the middle of a life or death battle between two adversaries" does not make sense.
ReplyDeleteExtremely vague. In fact, it sounds like Daughter of Smoke and Bone because it sounds like a dozen things. "life or death battle between two adversaries" could be anything from Luke and Emperor Palpatine, to Frodo and Lord Sauron, to Edward and Jacob, to Jesus and Satan.
ReplyDeleteThose are really, really different things.
"She will soon discover the implications of this amazing revelation as the fate of her heart—and the world—hangs in the balance" pretty much describes every speculative/paranormal book I've ever read.
I like the premise, but I don't feel like there's much at stake here. Maybe say what's going to happen to the world and why her heart is important?
ReplyDeletehttp://makeyourbookamovie.com/building-the-perfect-logline-for-your-book-screenplay-or-other-story/441/
ReplyDelete"When a teen-aged angel's memories are shocked to the surface . . . ."
Thanks Natasha!!
ReplyDeleteThis is too vague to hook me. A secret past that she doesn't remember - doesn't really tell me anything. Why is she the missing piece and what are the adversaries battling over. What is the amazing revelation? What are the stakes? This leaves me with only questions, not answers.
ReplyDeleteDoes "the fate of her heart" mean that this is a love triangle with the two adversaries? The way this is currently written doesn't make the premise shine as much as it could; it sounds too familiar. What makes Ivy's journey different? What's at stake for her personally?
ReplyDeleteI think this logline would definitely benefit from some specifics... who are the adversaries (without using names maybe), what are the implications, what is the potential fate of the world... and, as others have said, some active verbs would help... That being said, it does sound like it could be an interesting story... just show us how it's different from all those others. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all the great advice, I have a new logline ready for the next step. Thanks so much!
ReplyDeleteShow us what you got! You're a brave soul!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure I could do that! Okay, here goes...can't wait to hear how to tweak this one! Everyone is giving great tips. I'm so grateful.
ReplyDeleteFairy tales and folklore.
That’s what it sounds like to seventeen year-old Ivy Chapel. Who’d ever believe she’s an archangel with amnesia, let alone the sole guardian of God’s power for healing all mankind?
One person does—William.
This handsome stranger tells Ivy the strangest story about an angel hidden on Earth in the form of a baby to keep her safe from the Legions who wants to kill her and take her guardian gift and use it to destroy mankind.
Arrogant William is used to getting his way. He gives Ivy orders, pushing her to rebel and deny the feelings between them.
Lucian’s charming, sophisticated and very determined. He whispers promises of love as he tries to claim Ivy and her gift.
Both men are dangerous. Both hold the secrets of her past. One wants her heart. One wants her soul. Will she be able to survive them both?
I'm afraid your rewrite is not really a logline. It's way too long :) I think it would be better worked into a query.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could do something like:
When 17-year-old Ivy Chapel discovers she's an archangel with amnesia, she must regain her memories or risk losing the power to save mankind from destruction.
I still think the ending is too vague but maybe that will help. It's tough writing these, ergh! :)
UGH! Writing these loglines and queries are more difficult than writing the book! I appreciate all the help, thanks!
ReplyDeleteHere's the newest attempt at a logline :) I hope someone check's it out and points me in the right direction! Thanks!!
ReplyDeleteSeventeen year-old Ivy Chapel is an archangel with amnesia. Enemies, William and Lucian, are both sent to retrieve the gift Ivy guards, the healing power for all mankind. One wants her heart. One wants her soul. Will she be able to survive them both and save the world?