TITLE: Interwoven Deceptions
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
The Crystal Chasm erupting, the arrival of demons, and her guide dog turning into a boy, incite a blind educator to investigate. Then her students are captured and held hostage by the demons as they plan conquest of humanity. When the actions of her former lover, a police detective, and her mentor, a being of hidden powers, drag her into a journey of interdimensional travel, she's in for the fight of her life.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm not understanding the link between the blind educator and the captured students. Assuming she goes to rescue them, consider summarizing this a little more:
ReplyDeleteWhen a blind educator vows to rescue her demon imprisoned students, she must rely on her former lover who drags her into an inter-dimensional fight for her life.
That's not great, but captures the important information.
I think there is so much jammed in here that it's hard to grasp the actual plot. Like Margot said, try summarizing.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit messy still. Consider something like this:
ReplyDeleteWhen the Crystal Chasm erupts, a blind educator is driven to investigate and save her students from the newly escaped demons with the help of her former lover and her mentor. Her investigation takes her on a journey of inter-dimensional travel and throws her into the fight of her life.
This is still not quite right, but you want to trim some of the details and punch the stakes as tightly as possible.
This sounds like a high-stakes, action packed story. I like the blind main character, that's a great twist.
ReplyDeleteRight now, this feels more like a list of plot points and characters than a pitch. See if you can take a step back and focus on the very main story line for this brief pitch. If I read correctly, there's a demon invasion, the demons capture a series of students, and a blind teacher works with a series of acquaintences to get them back. If she fails, they die and so does she.
That's not a pitch, of course, but that's what I see as the very core plot here, and hopefully it can help take give you a different perspective on this to tighten it up.
This is choppy. There is a lot of interesting stuff in these few sentences, but it is a bit like looking at a jigsaw puzzle with pieces all over the place. The pieces are nice, but should be in a different spot. I like the blind educator as a main character.
ReplyDeleteI agree this needs a lot of streamlining. It sounds like it could be cool, but it's just bogged down right now.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a plot summary and has way too much detail. What is she fighting for and why? And who is trying to stop her? Finally, be careful with words like "drag her into a journey". She needs to chose her journey if you want us to be engaged in it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I agree with what others are saying - too much plot, not enough story. What's the main conflict? Who's the antagonist, and what's the main character's goal? There isn't space to explain how all these events fit together.
ReplyDeleteI found the term 'educator' too formal and it didn't flow well. I liked the dog turning into a boy, but didn't see the relevance of it in the logline.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is necessary to tell us, at this stage, that the former lover is a detective and the mentor is a being of hidden power as it doesn't bear any direct relevance to the outcome and makes the last sentence very long.
I think you have a great premise here and with the fantastic suggestions above I think you can summarise and whip this into shape.
Seems to me that there is too much information here. I feel overwhelmed by trying to understand the events, each one unusual and raises multiple questions: what is the Crystal Chasm, why is it erupting, what does its erupting signify. And that's just the first of three strange things. By the time I am done with the first sentence, my mind is fatigued and I am no longer motivated to read on. Perhaps choosing only the most important details to include would help make this clearer.
ReplyDelete