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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #11

TITLE: Greetings From The Miracle
GENRE: Young Adult

Fifteen-year-old Deena Reed, aspiring pastry chef and almost reformed car thief, flees foster care for a road trip with her mother, fresh from prison, and Billy, a teenage drifter, running from his own troubled past.

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19 comments:

  1. Judy MintzOctober 9, 2012 at 10:26 AM

    Wow. That's wonderful. I would love to read it!

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  2. AnonymousOctober 9, 2012 at 10:46 AM

    Sounds good! I wonder if you could switch out the 'fresh from prison' for 'ex-con mother', to eliminate a couple of commas.

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  3. Missy FlemingOctober 9, 2012 at 11:23 AM

    Awesome! I love the connection between reformed car theif and budding pastry chef. I want to know how she got from one to the other! This is very well done.

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  4. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 1:30 PM

    Okay, this is REALLY close. I like the premise! And almost-reformed car thief is great.

    You might want to clean up the second half just a smidge:

    Fifteen-year-old Deena, aspiring pastry chef and almost-reformed car thief, flees foster care for a road trip with her newly released ex-con mother and Billy, a drifter running from his own troubled past.

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  5. MeredithOctober 9, 2012 at 2:06 PM

    I LOVE almost reformed car thief/ pastry chef. Shows great voice and gives such a great idea of the MC. My only question is what's at stake? I would read this just based on the MC!! Good luck!

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  6. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 3:01 PM

    I also love the pastry chef/almost reformed car thief, but I would like a little more info on what is at risk here and what adversity they must overcome.

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  7. jnOctober 9, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    There's lots of background here, but what is her goal. What stands in her way. What happens if she succeeds/fails?

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  8. Michelle L. BrownOctober 9, 2012 at 4:51 PM

    You've got lots of good input already, but I have to add that my first reaction was "wow!" Very cool premise, but I would love to know what her main goal is--plenty of baggage already. Good luck with this!

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  9. Abbe HogganOctober 9, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    Ditto what Margot Galaway said. Also, I love the voice of this.

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  10. JillHeidOctober 9, 2012 at 5:25 PM

    Love the "aspiring pastry chef and almost reformed car thief" part. Sounds interesting, but what are the stakes?

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  11. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 6:15 PM

    I like ewoklove's edits, but it still feels like some stakes are missing. This is the set up, but what's the conflict?

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  12. JeanneOctober 9, 2012 at 6:24 PM

    Great voice! I love "fresh from prison." So many disparate elements set out so concisely. Makes me want to read more Well done!

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  13. Jessica LeakeOctober 9, 2012 at 7:31 PM

    I loved the voice evident in "almost-reformed car thief". I also thought ewoklove did a great job with editing, but I still wanted to see the conflict/consequences.

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  14. Lindsay KitsonOctober 9, 2012 at 11:15 PM

    I like the characters here, but this is another one where I got to the end and felt like it should go "and then..." followed by what happens - the hook. As it is, it's not much more than the description of the characters - a road trip doesn't actually present a conflict. Fleeing from foster care maybe, but with character's like that, I should hope something more exciting that dodging one's social worker is going to happen.

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  15. Elizabeth DunnOctober 10, 2012 at 7:16 AM

    Liked this. Can we come up with a better title? For some reason the words postcards and fingerprints are leaping into my mind.

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  16. Holly BodgerOctober 10, 2012 at 9:07 AM

    This is a lot of detail about the characters and not very much about the plot. Why does she flee? Where is she going? Why does she need to get there?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  17. Yat-YeeOctober 10, 2012 at 1:53 PM

    I like it! Works well.

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  18. misstanteOctober 11, 2012 at 9:06 PM

    LOVE IT!! pastry chef AND car thief, and the mother out of prison and billy - what a cast of characters! i'd love to have a hint about what they face on the road trip, but i'd read it just based on the group in the car.

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  19. CorinneOctober 14, 2012 at 10:57 AM

    Great premise. Great detail about Deena. I'd like to know a little bit about whether the road trip has a purpose, goal, destination. Something that gives me a sense of the direction of the novel.

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