TITLE: Stairs to the Past
GENRE: YA
Seventeen year old Jason goes into the attic of his 21st century home and finds himself in 1876. He falls for the maid who works for the 19th century family that built his house, but struggles to control his time travel to save her from an untimely death at the hands of her employer’s philandering son.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this reads well. The line "struggles to control his time travel ..." confused me a little at first. But I think it means that in order to save her, he has to be able to control when he travels into the past so that he can be there to save her (?) Maybe there's a way to make it more clear (?) I did wonder, also, if there's anything going on in the present, and if the MC would feel torn between the past and the present, or if he would want to stay in the past with his love interest?
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of him falling for the maid in the past. Fun concept!
I like the premise, but the feeling I have is that you told me the whole story. It might just need rewording, so you can show the stakes without having it sound like a done deal.
ReplyDeleteYou can clean this up and make it smoother by eliminating some unnecessary details:
ReplyDeleteWhen Jason accidentally winds up in 1876, he falls for the maid who works for the family that built his house, and must save her from her employer's murderous, philandering son.
This is perfect to me. The beginning is very strong.
ReplyDelete"Struggles to control time time" confused me, too. Love the premise!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of this as well, but the second line is a bit long.
ReplyDeleteI like how clear this is. I felt like I read it once and didn't have any questions.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I didn't really connect to the MC either. For me it was missing that "I want to know more" element. Not sure what that is though.
"Save her from an untimely death at the hands of her employer's philandering son." How this relates to the time travel confused me. Did he learn about her death in the present or fears it while in the past.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think it's good, but you could enrich it with a little more detail (it does seem short enough to add a few things) and make it really sing. Sounds like a good story!
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to tell us it's the 21st century (this is implied when not stated). Also, we don't really need know that the family that built the house is from the 19th century (that is implied by the fact that it exists in 1867!) Finally, I think you can remove "untimely" since most murders are.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I don't see how his struggle to control time travel can relate to a tangible goal nor do I see how it will save her from death. Try to give us more specifics. Is he trying to figure out how to bring her back to the 21st century with him or is he trying to go to the 18th century so he can change the future?
Good luck!
Holly
Mostly I like it, I'm just a little confused on how controlling his time travel is going to help - obviously it's important, but I'd like to know more specific details.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story, but the logline reads more like a synopsis. Maybe shorter, punchier sentences and stronger verbs ("fights" instead of "struggles," something less dated and adult than "philandering" for the employer's son . . . )
ReplyDelete