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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #21

TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Science Fiction

David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until he discovers she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on their planet and realizes his own accomplishments might count for naught when the next ruler is chosen.

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11 comments:

  1. AnonymousOctober 9, 2012 at 10:39 AM

    The second sentence is long and confusing. I think if you work on that you really have something here!

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  2. sgfOctober 9, 2012 at 12:06 PM

    I like the initial set-up here--that the bond between the team of friends is put to the test. I think the last bit could be clarified though. What does it mean that "his own accomplishments might count for naught"? What choice must he make or action must he take and what is at stake? Also, when it says "next ruler is chosen," that mean Catrine, right? So why not say so clearly?
    Just my 2 cents, of course. I think you've got a good start here and it sounds like a fun story!

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  3. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 12:36 PM

    Seems like David and Catrine are more than friends, schoolmates, and teammates - sounds like they are also fiercely competitive. That might be a good angle to work the stakes into the logline more dramatically.

    Maybe something like:

    When David discovers that Catrine, his friend and teammate is next in line for a throne that shouldn't even be on their planet, he ...
    (Fill in the blank with what he does, not just that he realizes that his accomplishes won't count for anything. What does he DO about that? That's where your drama is.)

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  4. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 3:07 PM

    I agree. As is, it sounds like he wouldn't have a problem with her getting the throne. Amp up the competitive angle in the first couple lines, and it shows more conflict.

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  5. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 4:56 PM

    I'm not sure I understand how his accomplishments can even relate to a throne that shouldn't exist and is passed on by heredity. I do like the connection between David and Catrine

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  6. jnOctober 9, 2012 at 5:10 PM

    I'm sorry but the second sentence makes him sound like a big cry baby. Whether the throne should exist or not seems irrelevant. What does David want, what obstacle stands in his way, and what happens if he can't overcome the obstacle?

    David wants to be king. To be king, he has to kill Catrine who is as skilled as he is. If he kills Catrine, his people will rebel/kill him/worship him?

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  7. PatchiOctober 9, 2012 at 5:30 PM

    Thanks everyone. I'm glad I tried this out here first--it's obviously not working. The first logline I had was:

    David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until he discovers she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on a planet that valued merit over birthright.

    I thought it needed something more, but I guess not what I added. Maybe this one is better:

    Demia is supposed to value merit over birthright, but David discovers his best friend is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their planet. His leadership skills might be better employed bringing peace to the other side of the galaxy--if only David hadn't kissed Catrine before he left.

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  8. girluknowOctober 11, 2012 at 1:20 AM

    David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until he discovers she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on a planet that valued merit over birthright.

    I think that's the best of the three. I like that you begin with the characters as I wouldn't know what Demia is and I might assume it's a character name if it starts your logline. Also that second sentence that begins with "His leadership skills" doesn't really flow with the rest of the sentence about the kiss.

    But even in the logline I like best, I find the second sentence a little awkward. Maybe if you began the logline with it, instead: "In a world that values merit over birthright, Catrine Jones is unexpectedly named heir apparent to the throne of Demia. But gaining a throne means losing David Smith, the man who's not only stolen her heart, but vanished to the far side of the galaxy with it."
    I mean, just depending on the POV of the story, but giving us a glimpse into what both David and Catrine stand to lose.
    I do like the kiss part of the last line. It's just that the separate parts of that sentence don't seem to quite go together.

    Still, I get the feeling you're shaping up the original submission into a more succinct logline and you're going in the right direction.

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  9. Holly BodgerOctober 11, 2012 at 8:53 AM

    I would suggest you keep the entire thing in one POV. Also, the throne/ruler doesn't sound like the same thing as one is hereditary (which implies no choice) and the other says it is "chosen". I think you need to clarify this. Does he want to be the ruler? If so, you should establish this from the beginning.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  10. PatchiOctober 11, 2012 at 9:37 AM

    Thanks for all the comments. Is this any better:

    Two graduates with degrees in Governance on a planet supposed to value merit over birthright. A tattoo marks one of them as next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist, which is discovered after their first kiss.

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  11. PatchiOctober 11, 2012 at 11:56 AM

    Or maybe this one:

    On a planet supposed to value merit over birthright, the top graduate with a degree in Governance discovers that all former rulers have been from the same bloodline and that the girl he just kissed is next in line.

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