TITLE: FRIED LIVER
GENRE: MG Contemporary
Wichita is just one more place to land for elven-year-old Mike McTavish until the friendless Air Force brat rescues a mysterious mutt and butts heads with a bizarre, chess-obsessed girl who’s determined to hijack the dog and everything else Mike loves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Consider cutting out the first part of line one. I liked this and wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteWhen friendless Air Force brat Mike McTavish rescues a mysterious mutt, he butts heads with a bizarre, chess-obsessed girl determined to hijack the dog and everything else Mike loves.
I liked the first part of line one. I think "mysterious mutt and butts heads" is confusing though I can't pinpoint why. But every time I read it, I am confused for a moment. I love the premise.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like Margot wrote, but even there, I am stumbling over "mysterious mutt, he butts".
I like the beginning too and I also stumbled over the "mutt and butts." How about:
ReplyDeleteWichita is just one more place to land for elven-year-old Mike McTavish until the friendless Air Force brat rescues a mysterious mutt. [Except that] a bizarre, chess-obsessed girl is determined to hijack the dog and everything else Mike loves.
Nice establishment of character, conflict, consequences, etc. One thing I worry about is the noun "brat" to describe your protag. It makes him not sound overly nice (and "friendless" doesn't help either in this context), which makes me personally not really invested in his story. Why root for a brat, you know?
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused about the Wichita part. Do you mean Wichita, Kansas? And do you mean he just moved there with his family? I'm honestly not sure what is intended by that phrase, and judging by the rest of the pitch, I'm not so sure you need to mention that first phrase anyway (as someone else mentioned).
Lastly, the adjective "mysterious" seemed weird to me. It doesn't really tell us very much, and even though it's an elevator pitch, it feels too vague. Either give a bit more of why the mutt's mysterious or just drop the adjective, I'd say. Same with "bizarre."
Finally, I'd consider adding a little about what Mike needs to do to get back the dog and the things he loves or how he plans to keep her from taking those things. But interesting premise. Good luck with it!
I think this should be broken up into a couple lines.
ReplyDelete'Mike, eleven-year-old friendless Air Force brat, thinks Wichita is just another place to land. It starts to feel a lot more like home when he rescues a mysterious mutt - that is until he butts heads with a bizarre girl who is determined to hijack the dog, and everything else Mike loves.'
Oh, I second Margot's suggestion. It really parses away unnecessary words, and gets right to the heart of the logline. Be wary about adding too much; loglines are different from pitches.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
I think the beginning is the strongest part! The rest is Good, too. Maybe break it up with commas to organize thought.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to second (third?) Margot's suggestion.
ReplyDeleteWhen you start with Wichita, it almost seems like Wichita is a character instead of a city.
Thanks for the input, everyone!
ReplyDeleteSounds good, great for an MG. I stumbled over 'mutt and butts', though.
ReplyDeleteI just wondered if you need to keep it one sentence. I was a little out of breath, like, it was feeling rushed. It sounds like a great premise and well-log-lined (if that's a word. It is now.) so I don't know. Don't knock yourself out making it one sentence, that's all.
ReplyDeleteI like the girl. She sounds great.
At first reading, the sentence just seems too long. Re-reading it clarifies the story and I like the premise. Perhaps breaking it up into two shorter sentences would make it easier to digest.
ReplyDeleteLove the title.
I like this concept, but I think this logline is a bit wordy. Margot had a good rewrite and after reading some of the other comments, how about this:
ReplyDelete"When a friendless Air Force brat rescues a stray dog, he butts heads with a chess-obsessed girl determined to hijack the mutt and everything else Mike loves."
I think the "brat" term coming after "Air Force" is ok because it's a common term for kids who travel around with their military parents and not so much a comment on Mike's personality.
Hope this helps.
I think you have the right elements here but they are not quite put together in the right way. Once you establish his change (moving) and the inciting incident (rescuing the dog) you need to tell us what goal that gives him. I assume this is keeping the dog/his new best friend but you can't leave that implied as it is the most important part of the logline. After that, tell us why the girl wants to take away his happiness and then give us a hint as to what he may have to do to stop her.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Thanks, Holly! That really helps.
ReplyDeleteWhen twelve-year-old Mike McTavish rescues a half-starved mutt, he finds a friend he won't have to leave behind the next time the Air Force launches him into the wild blue yonder. But if he wants to keep the dog, he'll have to figure out how to beat its former owner and state chess champion at her own game--winner take Woofus.
There is more at stake (she butts into his tight relationship with his dad and nearly becomes his step-sister when their parents start dating, but I wasn't sure how to squeeze it all in. The initial conflict is who keeps the dog.)
Suggestions?