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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #29

TITLE: The Diary
GENRE: Historical Fiction

Margaret Macra,an abused young woman, has been accused of murdering her only parent, her mother and told by town authorities she may not own even the house she lives in. She struggles to clear her name and create a life for herself with the help of a 200 year old diary written by her Scots immigrant Great Grandfather, five generations past. The Diary tells their two parallel stories of loss, adventure and growth.


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14 comments:

  1. jnOctober 9, 2012 at 10:53 AM

    All the elements are here but could be a lot shorter. Assuming that the major conflict is clearing her name, rather than saving her house, consider:

    Accused of murdering her mother, abused young woman, Margaret Macra, struggles to clear her name with the help of a 200 year old diary.

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  2. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 12:11 PM

    This is a bit unwieldy. Margot is right on about tightening it up. The details are good but too many of them turn into noise detracting from your logline.

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  3. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    Maybe something like this:

    'When Margaret is accused of murdering her only parent, and told by town authorities that she may not own the house she lives in, she struggles to clear her name and create a life for herself. The 200-year-old diary written by her Great Grandfather, five generations past, may be the answer to her problems.'

    Not all details need to go in a log line, so decide which ones can be stripped out to sharpen the focus.

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  4. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. K CallardOctober 9, 2012 at 2:03 PM

    I think Margot has a good re-write, although I might say "abuse victim Margaret Marca."

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  6. Loralie HallOctober 9, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    This sounds like an amazing story. There's a lot going on here for a logline, though. Consider taking a step back and focusing only on the very key elements of the plot.

    It sounds like very basic, bare-bones plot is:
    - Margaret's mother is dead, and she's the main suspect.
    - She's struggilng to clear her name, and finds comfort in her great grandfather's diary.

    Also, you resolve the conflict here, instead of leaving a hook to make us want to read more. That's more like what you'd do in a synopsis.

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  7. RobinOctober 9, 2012 at 4:08 PM

    I don't understand how a 200 year old diary can clear a person of a contemporary murder -- unless calling this Historical Fiction is incorrect.

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  8. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 5:08 PM

    I agree, this needs to be streamlined and prioritized. The house issue does not hold enough weight to be in the logline. It's a good concept

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  9. ksandyOctober 9, 2012 at 11:19 PM

    This sounds like my kind of book! I think Margot and Feaky have great suggestions above: just streamline it a bit.

    Also (I know this is a logline critique, not a title critique), but I think THE DIARY is a bit dull. This story has so much life, so much uniqueness. The title has neither.

    Good luck! I would really like to read this book.

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  10. VicorvaOctober 10, 2012 at 4:03 AM

    This sounds highly readable, but for a logline it's a bit beefy. Look to cut extraneous detail and look into what is the main plot/hook -- what makes me want to read on.

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  11. Kristen WixtedOctober 10, 2012 at 7:36 AM

    Beefy! Great word.
    Yes, I see what everyone is saying. And you're probably right around 75 words on this, so if you cut a few things it'll be easier to say what everyone above says is important. I wonder does the diary actually help her clear her name, or does it just give her strength?

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  12. UnknownOctober 10, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    Wow, you have the same problem that I have: you're writing in a very "done" area. I have seen tons of queries and loglines for diary stories. Make sure you make it clear how this one is different. For one thing, where does this take place? For histrical fiction, I should get a feel for the time period from the logline.

    This could also be shorter. For example, is it really necessary to say she has been accused of murdering her only parent? How about that she has been accused of murdering her mother?

    Also, it's great-grandfather, not Great Grandfather.

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  13. Holly BodgerOctober 11, 2012 at 9:29 AM

    I would suggest that you focus on the main problem here (the accusation of murder) as the house thing falls kinda blah next to it. Try to start with something like, "When CHARACTER is accused of murdering her mother..." and then establish that she must clear her name. After that, tell us that she will use this diary but also tell us why this will be difficult. Will people not trust her proof? Will they think she is crazy? Do they already think she is crazy (maybe that's why they've accused her in the first place?)

    Finally, get rid of the last line. Your character arc should be obvious from the logline.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  14. WilsonezqaDecember 6, 2012 at 1:09 AM

    This sounds like my kind of book! I think Margot and Feaky have great suggestions above: just streamline it a bit. Also (I know this is a logline critique, not a title critique), but I think THE DIARY is a bit dull. This story has so much life, so much uniqueness. The title has neither. Good luck! I would really like to read this book.

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