TITLE: Replacement Reality
GENRE: YA light Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Just months after being thrown into a spectacular new world, Sam learns that she will be gifted with a new reality: a perfect, replacement reality. Sam has only four hours to discover who she really is before her new reality steals her current life away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The concept is an interesting one, but it's a little confusing. If the new reality is perfect, why is having her current life stolen bad? It seems like a win/win right now. I think you need to show what the negative is. What will she lose? Why is the new reality overtaking her life such a bad thing? Does she have to change somehow to avert the bad thing? For example - She must learn how to (blah) or (something really bad). Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the sound of this. It's very thought provoking. I also like the name Sam - it stands out to me.
ReplyDeleteYou might consider some additional details. Who is giving her this new reality?
You might also replace the word "reality" in a few instances. 3 time in 2 sentences if I count right. Life, existence, or even use world again.
I get what you are doing here. I think you want to state the stakes a little more clearly. She is in one new reality, then is going to be gifted with another? And the reality she wants is the original one?
ReplyDeleteSomething like:
(Please forgive me for messing with the prose, this is just an example that I hope helps)
Sam has four hours to choose between what sounds like a perfect reality for her and the spectacular world she has only inhabited for a few months. But, if she chooses perfection, her current life will be stolen away.
Or something like that maybe?
I'm having trouble finding a difference between "spectacular" and "perfect." Maybe if you state the difference it would be clearer.
ReplyDeleteThe line 'who she really is' muddles this for me a bit. Do you mean 'what she really wants'? Because saying who she is, makes it sound like part of her identity is a secret, or she has powers - a common thing in dystopian.
ReplyDeleteI like this idea of this, but agree it needs a bit of streamlining. She's been thrown into a new awesome world, but there's going to be a new one? Why do they get 3 realities?
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ReplyDeleteWow, technology fail. Sorry for the multiple posting. :/
ReplyDeleteThis one caught my attention. I agree with the clarity issues with the prose that were mentioned above, but I think the plot has real potential.
ReplyDeleteSorry if I repeat a thought, but I don't want previous comments to influence my critique.
ReplyDeleteOverall I like this, but it could use some tweaking.
Is it really that important for us to know that this happened "months" later?
The word spectacular clarifies nothing for me. But I agree you need a description there. Use a word that actually tells me something unique about the new world.
The second part of the first sentence is unnecessarily repetitive, and it doesn't invoke fear or worry. You could say, "Sam is forced to accept a replacement reality." That should intrigue the reader to find out more, and using the word "forced" instead of "learns" makes it more clear that this is a bad thing.
I'm not sure what is meant by the final sentence. There are a lot of ideas presented--a time limit (for an unknown reason), she suddenly has amnesia? (this probably could be clarified in the first sentence with a rewrite), and her other reality is...what? fighting her?--and they all confuse me.
Love the title. If I saw this on a bookshelf the title would draw me in on its own.
Good luck. :D
Thank you so much for all of your comments! I've been trying to incorporate your comments into this revised one.
ReplyDeleteIn four hours Sam will be gifted with a replacement reality-- an alternative life that will ensure her success in a world where perfection is valued above all else. Sam should be celebrating, but instead embarks on a race against the clock to attempt to save the person she already is.
Good for you, taking the crits seriously enough to rewrite your logline. I like this newer one much better. Another suggestion, and please forgive me for being forward, but I think you should consider paring the title to "Replacement" - more pungent, more dynamic. The word "reality" carries ambition in areas I don't think you're trying to address.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the concept interests me, but seems a little confusing right now.
ReplyDeleteShe's thrown into a new world, then given a new world, then has to save her old world?
I feel like I almost know what you're saying, and I like it, but I need some clarification.
Good luck!
I was slightly confused by what "replacement reality" means. I think it means that when she was thrown into this world, she was there as a replacement, but then someone else will replace her soon. Is that right?
ReplyDeleteAlso, take note of how many times the word "new" is used. :)
Sorry. I just noticed you had posted an updated version. I usually don't read other comments so I don't second guess my reaction.
ReplyDeleteI really like the rewrite.
ReplyDeleteInstead of "alternative" try "alternate". Alternative has connotations of living off the grid in a house made of organic straw or something like that.
Also, try paring down the second sentence:
Sam should be celebrating but instead races against the clock to save the person she already is.
Or something like that. Good luck with this.
Your revised version is missing the goal. We can't assume that she is embarking on this because she doesn't want to be perfect unless you tell us. Also, you need to tell us what she actually has to do to stop this from happening (because it's a gift so, for all we know, she can just say 'No Thanks' and be done with it!)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like this except the idea that she's "thrown into" or "gifted" makes her seem passive. Couldn't this be the result of something she sought? At least, have her win a lottery she entered or something.
ReplyDeleteNicely written, though.