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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #31

TITLE: Veiled
GENRE: YA Science Fiction

When a woman’s skin is exposed to the touch of a man, biology dictates that she’s forced to take on the personality he desires. Now, a thin veil and the will to fight back are all that stand between Aveza and having her mind enslaved by the man her politically scheming father has chosen for her.

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17 comments:

  1. VicorvaOctober 9, 2012 at 11:01 AM

    Interesting premise, well-executed. My gripes are: how does the veil help? Is it a full body veil or something? If women can fight back, do they, or is Aveza for some unknown reason the first?

    You might not be able to/wise to fit all that into a query, but these questions are hardly deal breakers.

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  2. PatchiOctober 9, 2012 at 11:02 AM

    This sounds really cool to me, but have you thought about reversing the order?

    [A] thin veil and the will to fight back are all that stand between Aveza and [enslavement] by the man her politically scheming father has chosen for her. [But when] a woman’s skin is exposed to the touch of a man, biology dictates that she’s forced to take on the personality he desires.

    Just a thought. I think it makes it much more creepy.

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  3. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    I like the premise! The previous comment is correct, I believe. The stakes feel more dramatic with the sentences reversed.

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  4. David B GoodeOctober 9, 2012 at 1:41 PM

    When/where is this happening? In the future? On another world? When I read these loglines an image forms in my head, but I couldn't get a clear one without some clue to the setting.

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  5. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 1:50 PM

    I like this one as it is. :)

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  6. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    I agree with Feaky! I like this as it is too! ;-)

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  7. RobinOctober 9, 2012 at 4:18 PM

    Interesting premise, but I'm with David. I'd like to know something about the world in which this happens--or did I miss this biology class. Seriously, though, I think this has potential.

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  8. Lydia SharpOctober 9, 2012 at 4:21 PM

    This is really good, but I was confused at first. Can you add something to the first line that clarifies you're talking about a future world/society? I thought you were saying something that isn't true and it totally threw me off.

    Does biology actually dictate it? Not sure that's the best wording, since there's obviously some sort of altered genetics or a forced mutation involved here.

    Also, you could make the second sentence more active. "With a thin veil and the will to fight back, Aveza refuses to..." Just my opinion, but I think that makes it clear that she is the one who donned the veil in an effort to rebel. As is, it gave me the impression that it wasn't her choice--until I reached the end of the sentence. Make it clear right away this is something she's doing that she isn't supposed to.

    That being said, I think this is a great promise and wish you the best of luck with it. :D

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  9. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 5:02 PM

    wow. That's it, wow.

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  10. Jessica LeakeOctober 9, 2012 at 6:30 PM

    This is great. I think you've got all the elements here for a well-written logline. :)

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  11. JamieOctober 9, 2012 at 8:37 PM

    I want to read this book.

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  12. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 9:01 PM

    I really like this concept. But, as a biologist I'm wondering if you are basing this idea on some science concepts or if this is really fantasy. To me, successful scifi is grounded in some reality.

    Anyway, I love the idea of this story. The logline is just a bit wordy. How about:

    When Aveza's (I think her name would be less clunky than "a woman's") skin is touched by men, she's forced to take on the personality they desire. Now, a thin veil and the will to fight back are all that stand between her and enslavement by the man her politically-scheming father has chosen for her.

    Also, this is young adult? Most often in YA, character ages are at least hinted at in the logline. Calling her a woman (even though I think it's completely appropriate) tends to hint to agents that it's adult fiction.

    I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about but I hope this helps :) Good luck with this :)

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  13. ksandyOctober 9, 2012 at 11:14 PM

    I was confused on first read. I don't like the phrase "skin is exposed to the touch of a man." I was picturing something actually happening to her skin. Maybe something simpler: "When touched by a man." Maybe its the word "exposed" that throws me. Maybe its just me.

    On second read, after I understood what you meant by "skin is exposed," I thought it was gripping. Can't wait to read it someday! Good luck!

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  14. Bill ScottOctober 10, 2012 at 12:17 AM

    Everytime I read it I want to replace Aveza's skin for woman's skin. I get that this may be true for all women, but specifying Aveza will connect us to the character.

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  15. JENOctober 11, 2012 at 11:08 AM

    I like this except do you mean the "first" touch of a man or any touch? IOW, is her fate set or does it constantly change. And is there an age when this starts?
    Nice job overall. I'd read this.

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  16. Holly BodgerOctober 11, 2012 at 12:42 PM

    Aside from what others said about this sounding too grown up (at least in the first line), you need to show us what incites this story. It sounds like she has known this all her life. What happens NOW that makes her fight back? If it's the chosen husband, start with that and then tell us what she will do to get out of it (this is currently missing) as well as what she has to lose if she fails (the personality thing).

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  17. misstanteOctober 11, 2012 at 10:12 PM

    i'm intrigued! for some reason i want to know more about that veil - what material it is or color - i just want to see it but i'll read it for sure!

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