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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #32

TITLE: MAKING ARRANGEMENTS
GENRE: Women's Fiction

Battling cancer, Lang Ellis spent her final year of life making sure her soon-to-be widowed husband could manage without her. Ha. After he drops dead on the tennis court, Lang learns one of his many secrets can ruin her life. If she lets it.

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18 comments:

  1. Bill ScottOctober 9, 2012 at 10:32 AM

    I like it. Although, I'm not sure about the last sentence.

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  2. EmmaOctober 9, 2012 at 10:43 AM

    I like this a lot. It has just the right amount of irony to grab interest and just enough suspense - what's his secret? Does she find the will to live now that her life might be ruined? No criticism. Want to know more.

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  3. jnOctober 9, 2012 at 10:44 AM

    I'm having trouble with this one. It says she spent her final year which implies she is dead, or soon to be dead. How can his dropping dead, ruin her life? Perhaps she battled cancer and won, and now has a normal life in front of her? Something doesn't fit here.

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  4. littleblueOctober 9, 2012 at 10:49 AM

    I'm with Margot on this. Isn't her life already "ruined" by her fatal disease? To me this also reads as if she has only a few months left to live, tops ... If that's not the case you should clarify this one. Apart from that I think you have a compelling story!

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  5. VicorvaOctober 9, 2012 at 10:59 AM

    I guess this is interesting, but I agree that I don't see how this can ruin her life when she must have so very little time left to live. I like the idea of it though, a post-humous betrayal from the husband she was trying to protect when she's on her deathbed herself.

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  6. ewokloveOctober 9, 2012 at 11:34 AM

    I like the "Ha." Gives a feel for the voice and the sort of bitter humor one might feel in that situation. Secrets seems vague and how can they ruin her life? Does she even have much life left by the time that she discovers this?

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  7. PatchiOctober 9, 2012 at 12:26 PM

    I agree that the "final year" and "ruin her life" don't go together. Last year? Kids' life?

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  8. Feaky SnuckerOctober 9, 2012 at 1:48 PM

    I agree. If she's still losing the battle with cancer, maybe say, 'Ruin what's left of her life,' or 'ruin the time she's got left.' I like the last line though, and like the feel of this one.

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  9. Megan C.October 9, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    I like it. It sounds to me like there might be a way for her to live. I'd for sure read more.

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  10. Jason NelsonOctober 9, 2012 at 4:03 PM

    I'm with the others. Keep wondering how discovering that her husband [insert horrible secret]ed compares to looming death.

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  11. RobinOctober 9, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    If she's dead (or soon to be), can secrets make her life any worse?

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  12. MeredithOctober 9, 2012 at 5:02 PM

    Spent in the first line makes is sound like she's already dead.

    My main question is, is she suddenly in remission? It kind of sounds like it if her husband's secrets impact so deeply.

    See if you can tighten it a bit and be a little more clear if the MC is alive, dead or in remission etc. You have a good story, I just don't think you are giving the reader a solid idea about it. Good luck :)

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  13. UnknownOctober 9, 2012 at 8:52 PM

    When I first started reading this I was like "yawn, been done so many times." BUT then I read that HE dies - what a great twist - really sets your story apart from what's out there. I echo the comments above but think you really have something here.

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  14. AnonymousOctober 9, 2012 at 9:57 PM

    Hmm, the ill and dying protagonist outlives her smarmy husband and now there are secrets revealing - what? That she's going to die anyway? You start with an intriguing idea but it stumbles over a lack of a logical conclusion. Bet you can fix this, and it appears to be worth fixing.

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  15. ksandyOctober 9, 2012 at 11:11 PM

    Very interested! And I agree that the voice comes through nicely. I also agree, though, that her lifespan needs to be clarified.

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  16. Holly BodgerOctober 11, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    Aside from what everyone said about clearing up why this matters if she is going to die anyway, you need a tangible goal (which, I suppose is to not have a ruined life although that seems impossible as written!) After you establish her goal, show how his secrets are going to try to thwart it and give us some idea as to what she will do to try to achieve happiness anyway.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  17. misstanteOctober 11, 2012 at 9:17 PM

    Battling cancer, Lang Ellis spent her (supposed) final year of life making sure her soon-to-be widowed husband could manage without her. Ha. After he drops dead on the tennis court, Lang learns one of his many secrets can cost her her family.

    You all are AWESOME and thanks for being so generous with your critiques.

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  18. JudykinsOctober 12, 2012 at 6:40 AM

    Logline has a real dichotomy. Isn't cancer enough to ruin her life? Her husband's death is tragic, yes. But she has other worries now.

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