TITLE: Remembered
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
A girl with a penchant for snark and failing classes battles a growing attraction to a dethroned prince with a hero complex, while otherworldly forces hunt them down, intent on not only killing both, but destroying their souls.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Woah, action packed. Not convoluted at all, easy to understand, gives a picture of the main characters. Good work.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. You managed to get everything in there without clutter. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like this! I do think it's a bit of a run-on, though.
ReplyDeleteI like snarky girls! The dethroned prince with a hero complex sounds interesting. What is he the prince of? The last bit might run smoother if you took out "not only killing them both."
ReplyDeleteShe has a penchant for failing classes?
ReplyDeleteHow about this instead, 'A snarky D student battles her growing attraction to a dethroned prince. His hero complex may come in handy; otherworldly forces are snapping at their heels, intent on killing them - after they destroy their souls.'
Either way, I like the sound of the MS:)
Hmmm..can you show her snark rather than just tell us she's snarky? Maybe "A girl (insert a quirky habit) and a solid D- average." Or something like that. You have all the elements and it sounds like a good read, I just think you could kick it up a bit by showing her to us a little more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteSorry if I repeat a thought, but I don't want previous comments to influence my critique.
ReplyDeleteFirst thing that jumps out at me is how you describe the protagonist. While I'm sure "a penchant for snark and failing classes" is true of her, this choice of description doesn't feel relevant to the conflict she faces. I spent the rest of the pitch wondering how you were going to tie that in, and you never did. Every. Word. Counts.
Then you say she "battles a growing attraction..." and again, I'm sure that's true in the story, but it doesn't feel relevant or vital to the pitch. Is that the core conflict? Feels more like a subplot to me, which isn't necessary to mention here.
I'd like to see something that describes the protagonist in a way that makes it abundantly clear why she faces this problem, how it's unique to *her*. I'd also like to see a clarification of the antagonist's threat and how it applies to the core conflict.
Life and death stakes at the end of a pitch is good, but only if I know how it's relevant. As is, I'm not seeing the relevance. Why are *they* being hunted down, specifically? Why not someone else? What's so special about these two? If you can clarify that while keeping it brief, the end of the logline will have much more punch to it.
Good luck. :D
Ah, one more thing...
ReplyDeleteI don't see how the title is relevant. I assume you chose that title for a reason--it wasn't something you just drew out of a hat. How does is it relevant to the core conflict? If you tie the title into your logline, your pitch will stand out more.
This was wonderfully condensed, and I loved that we get a sense of voice from this too. My only thought was to consider including what type of paranormal creatures since there are so many out there.
ReplyDeleteI like this. However, is this dethroned prince a prince from England, Africa, etc? If he's a dethroned prince from a fictional land, are you sure you're classifying this correctly as paranormal romance? It may be fantasy. I could be wrong - just a thought.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I think you've crammed a lot of great info into a tiny space. I'd totally read this :) Love the part about destroying their souls. Talk about stakes.
I agree that there could be a better way to describe our girl, although from one who also has a penchant for snark, I personally don't have any problems with it.:) But maybe... oh wait, I just read Feaky's version, which I liked. Try working with that and see what happens.
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise of this one!
I like the first part of this, but I think trying to combine it all in one sentence is just too much. You could easily break this into two and then I wouldn't run out of breath reading it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lydia about the second half. Give me a reason why these two are being hunted.
I liked the premise but it needs to be broken up (as others have said). Would give it a read.
ReplyDeleteYou need to incite this with something. Has she always known this prince or does she just meet him at the beginning of this story? If so, what does that make her want to do? And how does fighting an attraction compare to fighting for her life and soul? You've set this up like it's supposed to make it more difficult but as worded, that doesn't quite come across very clearly.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly