TITLE: Price of Fixation
GENRE: YA Thriller
When Morgan's best friend begins to receive unwanted attention from an unknown admirer, Morgan and the cute boy-next-door must find out who is behind it all. And if they don't figure it out in time, the consequences could be fatal.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the first line, it's sinister. The second sentence however seemed very general for a thriller. I'd like something with more of the flavour of your story, perhaps more specific.
ReplyDeleteA good logline all in all.
Why Morgan and the boy?
ReplyDeleteIs the boy-next-door Morgan's best friend? Sounds interesting. I think it might need a little tweaking though because of all the players - Morgan's friend, unknown admirer, and the boy-next-door.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great first line. Maybe if you end it like "must find out who [insert fatal consequence]" you don't need anything else.
ReplyDeleteI think if you're more specific, the stakes will be raised. As it is, 'unwanted attention' doesn't sound sinister. It isn't showing what the danger is.
ReplyDelete'When her best friend's secret admirer's attention goes from flattering to chilling, Morgan is determined to discover who it is. With the cute boy-next-door at her side, they must discover his identity or the consequences will be fatal.'
Or something better than this. But then it brings up the question why the best friend and guy next door have to investigate? Where are the police? Why is the friend not concerned?
I think it has a lot of potential, but needs a bit more to make it stand out and raise the stakes.
Consequences will be fatal seems a little cliche. Can you add your voice in here? Something like before she ends up on Dateline, or before she becomes anohher statistic. How does your MC say it? I am guessing she doesn't tell the boy we need to help her before the consequences are fatal. I think you have a great opportunity to add some voice here. I love the first sentence and would absolutely read this. Teens hunting a possible killer sounds exciting and I want to know why he's stalking. Nice job :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Meredith about adding voice. And I don't see any special detail that could really make this novel stand apart from others like it. Maybe you could be more specific about the 'unwanted attention'?
ReplyDeleteSorry if I repeat a thought, but I don't want previous comments to influence my critique.
ReplyDeleteThe main problem here is that you introduce a bunch of characters (unless "best friend" and "boy next door" are actually the same person, it isn't clear), but you don't show how any of them are vital to the story.
Why is it up to Morgan and some cute boy to solve this problem for her friend? Even those two are actually the same person, I still don't understand why Morgan is the one who has to find the answers. What makes the protagonist unique to the issue presented by the antagonist? Show me how the conflict adheres them.
You could also make this more crisp and less vague. "begins to receive unwanted attention from an unknown admirer" could be replaced with "is stalked." It's a lot less words and conveys the same point. Then use the word count you chopped to clarify the threat and show why Morgan is the one who has to face it.
Good luck. :D
This idea covers an important topic to young adults.
ReplyDelete"boy-next-door" does not need to be hyphenated.
I think this would work better if the consequences are clearer - why is it so dire/fatal?
The question of why Morgan has to partner with the cute guy and not her best friend isn't one that would tempt someone to read on. Also, to make the end punchy, you could just say, "if they don't figure it out in time, x will die." After all, isn't that what fatal consequences mean?
ReplyDeleteI'm going to disagree with a few critters, because I like the addition of the cutie pie next door (you just know romance will happen while hunting down the creep). It adds another dimension to the story and I like that.
ReplyDeleteThis hits home because of what some friends have gone through with stalkers, and yes, it can get scary. I do think you could be a more specific on the consequences to give it more of a punch. But it sounds like a great read!
I like it, I think it gets across the conflict in the first sentence. I don't really think you need the second sentence, it doesn't add enough. I'm sure we can imagine the consequences of "unwanted attention form an unknown admirer". If the consequences are unusual, tell us about that.
ReplyDeleteI think you have reached a nice balance in this logline. The first sentences suck me in. And the second sentence gives me reason to read. WELL DONE!
ReplyDeleteI liked this and would read the story based. Thought it well-balanced.
ReplyDeleteFirst: Suggest you name Morgan's best friend so that I may determine whether the friend is a boy or girl. Suggest you also don't use the word "must" because it sounds like the characters are forced. All in all, too vague. There is nothing for me to grab on to. Nothing specific enough to catch my interest.
ReplyDeleteWith a little work, this could be just fine.
I agree that we need to know why Morgan and the boy are the ones that need to be on this mission (because they could just call the police!) Aside from that, you need to connect the unwanted attention with the idea of her death and you need to establish the goal as STOPPING him because I really doubt that the book ends the moment they get his name.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly