TITLE: TORREN
GENRE: YA FANTASY/MYSTERY
When Tokyo Tanner accidentally makes her best friend's wish come true, she lands at the heart of a centuries-old genie feud; to keep her freedom, she'll have to outwit and outrun the warring genie clans who seek to possess—and use—her.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I don't have much to say about this other than I love it! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI think this is pretty good, and I just love the idea of an ancient genie clan feud. To be nitpicky, I'd add a character trait to Tokyo Tanner (just an adjective or something), so we get a little feel for what kind of person she is.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you don't need the phrase "to keep her freedom," because the rest of the sentence makes it evident that that's what she'll lose if she doesn't outwit and outrun the clans.
I like this! It's fresh and I'd want to read more. Good job.
ReplyDeleteLove the premise. I agree you don't need "to keep her freedom."
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this premise!!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with the other comments that you don't need "to keep her freedom" - it is implied by the last bit that she will lose her freedom if she doesn't outwit and outrun those nasty warring genie clans!
It's good. Maybe just a bit of detail about what she'll have to do to outwit and outrun them?
ReplyDeleteIf Tokyo Tanner is a genie but doesn't know it, you need to make that clearer upfront. Consider,
ReplyDeleteWhen Tokyo Tanner's latent genie magic surfaces, accidentally granting her best friend's wish,...
The rest is fine.
I really like this premise! Made me laugh too. Good job. :-)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun read to me. I can't help but to imagine a gaggle of blue genies like the one in the Disney movie chasing this poor kid.
ReplyDeleteAgree that it's great, and that the freedom bit can be cut. Good job:)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this. Sounds like a fun read. I agree, take out the "to keep her freedom" and then the second genie (the warring clans) and you've got a SOLID log line. Nice job. Bet you get a lot of bites on this :)
ReplyDeleteI like this one too, sounds unique. One nitpick - I wasn't sure if possess meant "own" or something like demonic possession - seeing as it's spec fic and all.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused by the beginning. Is the wish her best friend's but she makes it come true for herself (and not the best friend?) After that, "to keep her freedom" doesn't make sense. Is she free when she lands in the genie feud? Doesn't she actually want to get her freedom back? Or go back home? Finally, be more specific about outwith and outrun. Can she actually just run back home or is she running to something that will help her escape?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I love the opening: accidentally makes her friend's wish come true: how cool, how funny!
ReplyDeleteI do think you can just go ahead and put a period after "feud." It makes the reader not feel as if she has to keep a whole lot of information in mind before taking a breath. Or maybe that's just what I do when I see a semi-colon.
I think the premise is fresh and fun and the log line tells me just enough to pique my interest.
Sounds fun. I'd like to know a little about Tokyo (age? personality?) I might want to know if she knew she was a genie before she made her best friend's wish come true, but only if you could do it pretty succinctly.
ReplyDelete