TITLE: Supernatural Freak
GENRE: Fantasy
Robyn Wise, 25, is caught up in the middle of an ancient war and forced to join the animal spirit inside her to help defeating the Cloud: a mysterious and powerful entity eager to destroy Fairyland for good.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think you have a really good start here, but I'm thinking it would be even better if you could be more specific and really show us how this is different from the other fairy books out there.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a description of who Robyn is and why she has a spirit animal? The Cloud seems like a really cool concept as well - why do they want to destroy Fairyland?
Not to say you have to add all this detail, but maybe just a few more things to really show us the personal stakes of what happens if the Cloud isn't defeated?
Great start and good luck - I'd totally read more!
I think "caught up in the middle of an ancient war and forced to join the animal spirit inside her" is too convoluted. Maybe:
ReplyDeleteRobyn Wise, 25, [needs to release the animal spirit within her to fight] an ancient war [against] the Cloud: a mysterious and powerful entity eager to destroy Fairyland for good.
This is good, but still needs a smidge more trimming.
ReplyDeleteRobyn Wise must release the animal spirit inside her to win the war against the Cloud and save Fairyland for good.
But I think there need to be more stakes. Save fairyland, been done. She needs something more personal to motivate her to do this releasing thing which I sort of inferred was something she was scared to do.
I'm not understanding who Robyn is. Is she a fairy? Is she part fairy, part lion/wolf/eagle? What is her obstacle? Does she not want to use her animal nature because she's afraid of losing her fairy self?
ReplyDeleteI understand her goal is to defeat the Cloud and save Fairyland. But what does that mean to her?
"Caught up in an ancient war" feels a little cliche (maybe because there have been two entries in a row along those lines?) And "caught up" makes her seem too passive. What does she want so much that she chooses to get involved in the war?
ReplyDeleteBut if I add all these things, doesn't it become a proper query and not a log line anymore? Better, doesn't it become a 'long line'? In the story she accepts her fate to save a friend who is also a ghost. I don't really think anyone sane would actually choose to go to war, especially if he or she fights for free, but this I'd my very personal opinion, of course!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about this. First does an ancient war mean one that has been fought for a long long time? Or does it refer to a long standing feud?
ReplyDeleteI also don't believe her age is important to a logline. The whole animal spirit part sounds Native American, mixed with fairyland-- an intriguing mix. Maybe if you explain the "join the animal spirit inside her" a bit, I may understand this better.
Jamie and Ewok already covered what I was going to say. A few more specifics would really amp this up.
ReplyDeleteThis is really vague, I'm not sure who the participants are in this war, or whether it's taking place on earth or a spirit world or something. I'm confused. There's definitely conflict though, and that's good.
ReplyDeleteWell, she can't be forced because then it is not a goal. What is her goal? To defeat the Cloud or to save Fairyland? Is anyone going to stop her? I'm guessing it's "the Cloud" but that's very vague for an obstacle. Give us a reason why she must do this as well as a reason why they (the Cloud) must stop her.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly