TITLE: Wicked Stepmother
GENRE: Adult Romantic Suspense
Amanda looked up at him. Lips parted. Confusion and desire in her eyes.
The need to kiss her pounded through Greg. They stopped walking. He turned her to face him. Only a whisper of space separated their bodies.
He took a step closer until their chests touched. He felt every uneven breath she took. He wanted to look down, to see how she looked against him, but he couldn’t move his gaze from her face. From her bright eyes and soft lips.
He lifted his hand to again smooth back her hair. Caressed her cheek. The feel of her skin sent heat through him, his whole body throbbing with need for her.
“Greg.” She said his name on a breath. The most beautiful thing he’d ever heard.
Slowly, holding her gaze the whole time, he lowered his head. Slid his hand to the back of her neck to tilt her toward him.
The moment Greg's lips brushed Amanda's, electricity jolted him. He struggled not to yank her against him and devour. To be gentle. To enjoy the sweet taste of her mouth against his. To explore rather than demand.
To savor.
As much as he wanted more, wanted everything, he forced himself to draw back. He knew she had to leave. If he kissed her the way he wanted, he might not let her.
Her eyes glassy, she looked up at him. “I...”
Unable to resist, he brushed his lips over the bruise on her cheek, careful not to hurt her. “You need to go.”
She slid her hand up his chest and under the collar of his shirt. Her skin burned against his. “Not quite yet.”
He pulled her tightly against him, letting her feel what their brief kiss did to him. “Yeah, you do.”
She laughed as she kissed his cheek. “Wow.” She stepped away and turned back in the direction they’d come from. Not releasing his hand, she pulled him with her.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great scene! There's just the right amount of heat and the MC's thoughts seem very realistic. Love the ending! I want to see where it leads!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. I thought the writing was good. The pacing was good. We get a very good idea of how this guy feels. Probably the only change I'd make is "Greg," she said ...
ReplyDeleteSentence fragments. Sentence fragments everywhere:
ReplyDelete"Amanda looked up at him. Lips parted. Confusion and desire in her eyes."
Amanda looked up at him, lips parted, with confusion and desire in her eyes.
Sentence fragments are distracting and distressing, and detract from the actually rather good imagery in this scene (though I, personally, find the imagery at the very end distressing, but I doubt I am your target audience in this particular case).
Fun scene. I like the imagery. I got caught at the beginning because I couldn't quite place them. They were walking side by side, she looked at him, they stopped, why did he turn her to face him? It seemed more likely he would just face her. Otherwise, great scene.
ReplyDeleteThere's definitely heat in this scene, but it didn't quite work for me, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteLike another commenter, I found the number of sentence fragments distracting. One here or there can be good for emphasis; too many and the narrative becomes choppy. Likewise, the short paragraphs made it seem to me like the scene was lurching forward, rather than flowing.
I also felt that I had been told too many times that Greg wanted and needed Amanda. His passion could be conveyed better by showing what attracts him to her. I know the graphic stuff doesn't fly here on MSFV, but rather than saying "he wanted more," why not be explicit about it -- describe what he imagines doing to her -- or have his attention linger on a body part.
Good luck!
I'm a big fan of using sentence fragments but in this case they've kind of become the main course as opposed to the spice. Less is more with fragments.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the sentences are, with a few exceptions, so similar that it "reads" slightly monotonously.
That being said, there is some lovely writing in here, and Greg's feelings are very clear.
I'm mixed on this one. I think the kiss is great, but the part leading up to it didn't work for me. And not because of the fragments, well that too, but because I felt the start was a laundry list of actions they stopped, he turned, he stepped, he lifted... which brings me to the other thing which didn't work - so many sentences starting with 'he. You need to both consolidate actions and vary your sentence structure more than you have here.
ReplyDeleteThe emotions and reactions are good, it was just the technical part that didn't sit well with me.
I agree with the 'laundry list' comment. I was also feeling torn between the two characters - as the shift in POV went from one to the other, it left me unconnected with either. There is some great imagery, though. Although the 'pounded through him' line didn't feel right to me.
ReplyDelete