TITLE: The Mechanicks
GENRE: YA Dystopian
While searching for her kidnapped sister, Irie tries to make amends with her childhood friend, Hawk, after a series of escalating arguments regarding trust.
“I need your help to find Temple, but that’s not the reason I ran after you. I ran after you because my chest hurts when I think you might never come back, especially when it’s what I deserve.”
Somehow, I must have said the right thing because now Hawk is smiling as if I'm already forgiven. It’s not his usual goofy grin, but a soft smile that sends a flood of heat across my skin. “You’re so stupid, Irie Calloway,” he says with a warmth in his big brown eyes that I’ve never seen before. “I’ll always come back.”
I freeze like a deer in headlights as he leans in and presses his lips against mine.
I lied when I said Rix Fiorino stole my first kiss. His lips against my skin didn’t feel anything like this. Hawk’s kiss is searing hot and so hard that he has to snake his hand behind my neck so I don’t fall backwards off the bench. Rix’s gentle kiss on the cheek feels more like a peck in comparison, a brotherly show of affection.
When I start to kiss him back, I realize that nothing I feel about Hawk is brotherly. I just didn’t know it would take a kiss to bring this feeling to life.
“This doesn’t mean we’re in love,” I tell him, when I finally pull away.
He starts laughing so hard it sounds like it’s coming from the pit of his stomach. Every time his shoulders shrug he winces, which only makes him laugh harder. When he finally stops, he rubs tears from his eyes. This is the way I’ll always imagine him, laughing so hard he has tears in his big brown eyes.
“I know, Irie,” he says, as if he doesn’t believe me for a minute. “I know.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love this! I didn't need any lead-in or extra info. Everything worked for me. Hawk sounds great! Love the paragraph about her first kiss and I love the way it ends.
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with Christie on this one. Loved it... very sweet and it felt natural.
ReplyDeleteReally nice! I would like to know the contents of "I'll always come back." Did Hawk leave or was he dumped? The scene moves fast and I wanted more. A couple red flags, but easy fixes. "deer in headlights" is cliche. You used "as if" two times. You also use "I" 22 times. Be careful starting sentences with the repetitive "I". Love the characters and I'm intrigued to learn more :)
ReplyDeleteThis was fab and I agree with everything said above. There is a clear voice and chemistry between them (even though Irie might not have noticed).
ReplyDeleteIt is always hard when writing first POV to keep control of the "I's" but as Robbin said it is fixable.
Thanks, I really enjoyed it.
I can commiserate; "I" is difficult to wrangle in first person. This was lovely.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph sets up the scene and the MC’s emotions nicely. Sweet!
ReplyDeleteIn the next paragraph, if you say “Hawk smiles” you’ll get rid of an “ing” word.
I needed a transition to the headlights line. She’s melting b/c of what he says and then she freezes?? Maybe leave out the deer in the headlights part and just say something like: “I’m still trying to process that when he leans in and presses his lips against mine.”
Next paragraph has past memories jumbled in with present. It might read more smoothly if you tighten and group them: “I lied when I said Rix Fiorino stole my first kiss. Rix’s brotherly peck on the cheek didn’t feel anything like this. Hawk’s kiss is so searing hot and so hard, he has to snake his hand behind my neck so I don’t fall backwards off the bench. I start to kiss him back and realize that there’s nothing brotherly about what I feel.”
You need another transition for the pulling away. Why does she pull away if she’s so into the kiss?
In the next paragraph, you can eliminate another “ing” if you say, “He laughs so hard…” I didn’t get the shrug, though. Does laughing make him shrug? And at the end of this paragraph you mention “big brown eyes” for the second time.
The “I’ll always imagine him” line gives me a premonition of tragedy to come and makes me want to read to find out what happens!
Fabulous! I was engrossed in the scene immediately. It all flowed easily and seemed so natural. Best one I've read so far!
ReplyDelete