TITLE: The Boy in the Mirror
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Dr. Abrams has convinced her that Luke was just a figment of her imagination. And Phillip feels so very, very real . . .
When the last notes had faded, drunk up by the walls and the ceiling till not the faintest hint of them remained, Phillip moved to crouch down beside the piano bench. He cupped my right cheek in his hand, and drew me forward till the distance between us was smaller than a breath.
“I knew the moment I saw you. I knew there was music in you.”
Was it his words or his touch that stirred up the ache in me? The need for Luke to have just been a dream after all. For this to be real and right. For the moment when Phillip pressed his lips to mine to be all parts thrill, and no part terror.
Traitor, my mind hissed at me.
That same electricity I’d once felt at his touch against my skin seemed to course through the very core of me, and the firm tenderness of his lips against mine was nearly overwhelmed by the feel of his hands tangled in the curls at the nape of my neck.
The electricity between us intensified to such a degree that our kiss became a storm, a gentle rain of shared touch, and stirring winds of oh-yes- this.
And then his lips tore from mine, and my eyes flew open to the sight of Phillip crashing backwards onto the floor, an enraged Dr. Abrams standing over him.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Some of the description is a bit too much for me. I think toning it down a bit might the scene more convincing. For example, "The electricity between us intensified to such a degree that our kiss became a storm." Hope that helps. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused by the set up, because why wouldn't Phillip feel real when Luke was the imaginary one. But that aside, there are some other confusing elements within the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteThere's some grammar and punctuation issues that are easily fixed. The third paragraph leaves me wanting more. it seems like you are trying to describe what is happening without describing what is happening -- if that makes any sense.
"Was it his words or his touch that stirred up the ache in me?" So she's aching for him, but it takes more than this to make the reader feel that ache with her.
"The need for Luke to have just been a dream after all." What about the this need? Is this another element being stirred by his touch and words? I'm not sure what to think with this fragment.
"For this to be real and right." Again, this fragment leaves me hanging. For what to feel real and right? Has he kissed her? So far, he's just touched her cheek.
"For the moment when Phillip pressed his lips to mine to be all parts thrill, and no part terror." Okay, so he has kissed her, but we're being told about how she feels instead of experiencing it with her.
I like the image of the kiss becoming a storm, but then you take away that intensity with the use of the word "gentle rain."
I do like how the scene ends, how they are caught and its obviously not a good thing.
Good luck!
The paragraph "That same electricity. . ." got a little wordy for me, I had to read it a couple times. Otherwise, I really liked this. It seems like a really interesting premise, I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI think there are some words you can cut to amp up the tension. Like, for instance, "Was it his words or his touch that stirred up the ache in me?" I'd say instead "Did his words or his touch stir the ache in me?" It's shorter but I think that ups the tension.
ReplyDeleteAlso some of this is a little removed. You could tighten it. It would also make it clearer who we're talking about and who's doing the action. For example, instead of your last line, you could say, "He tore his lips from mine just as Philip crashed backwards on the floor. An enraged Dr. Abrams stood over him." That was just off the top of my head. I'm sure you can do much better, but I think you get my point. Sometimes when sentences are long, the subject/object gets jumbled.
I was kindly advised by an industry pro to not have an MC ask questions about his/her own feelings or about the plot. A couple times I've tried to argue this while editing my work, but in every case, it reads stronger to show the character actually feeling something. I agree with the others to ditch the question and show a physical or emotional reaction she is experiencing; show the stir/whir/spinning ache. (Also, I wish I knew "her" name!).
ReplyDeleteThis has great promise, and is the line that seemed the closest hit to an emotional reaction:
"The electricity between us intensified to such a degree that our kiss became a storm, a gentle rain of shared touch, and stirring winds of oh-yes- this."
I think you're almost there; as others suggested, you could take out the wordy "to such a degree that", and maybe replace "gentle" with a term more related to a storm. You could look up thunderstorm on Wikipedia and dig for weather words there--that kind of research is always fun.
Good luck with this!
This line threw me out because it's not a complete sentence:
ReplyDeleteThe need for Luke to have just been a dream after all.
I'd also suggest you work on paring things down to more direct statements to tighten the scene:
When the last notes (del had) faded, drunk up by the walls and the ceiling till not the faintest hint (del of them) remained, Phillip (del moved to crouch down) crouched beside the piano bench.
Love the ending!
I agree that your wording could be tightened but the tension and anticipation is there! One paragraph that could be tightened:
ReplyDelete"That same electricity ... nape of my neck."
We don't know exactly when the kiss--the most important moment--happens. Well, we do, but it's not written so that we're right there with her. You could fix that by adding something after "Traitor, my mind hissed at me," such as "but his lips pressed down harder and I gave into (describe feeling)."
I'd suggest "absorbed by the walls and ceiling" rather than drunk up. And that you change "a gentle rain" to something more stormy.