TITLE: I am Caraway
GENRE: YA historical fantasy
In this scene, our two MCs are recovering from a final battle with the antagonist. Their reasons for not being together no longer seem important.
We stare at each other for a long moment. The intensity between us grows with each breath. “I love you too, Thorn,” I finally whisper.
The moment stretches out as I wait in hopeful anticipation for our mouths to meet. Ever so slowly, he leans forward and closes the distance between us. When his lips capture mine I forget everything. I lose all awareness as his hands slide into my hair and he pulls me closer. We kiss slowly and eagerly, both of us exploring the curves of each other’s mouths and discovering worlds of feelings and sensations.
I can’t believe I have gone my whole life without this. I almost can’t wrap my head around the magic of kissing someone so perfect for you, so a part of you, that the world only makes sense when their lips are pressed against yours.
As our hands begin their own explorations, I feel something click into place inside me. It’s a settling, a shifting of two souls locking together that's so right I could swear the entire universe turns and takes notice. I lose all track of time—years could be passing me by as I learn the taste of Thorn’s love. Ever so slowly he trails his lips from my mouth down my neck and back to my mouth where he gives me a final, agonizingly deep kiss. We break apart slowly, my bottom lip the last piece of me to escape his embrace.
“Tomorrow,” I tell Thorn breathlessly. “Let’s go find Lailoken tomorrow. I’m ready to know when. I’m ready to go home.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
"I almost can’t wrap my head around the magic of kissing someone so perfect for you, so a part of you, that the world only makes sense when their lips are pressed against yours." I love this line, the way you end the thought. Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI wish the excerpt was started just a bit earlier because I wanted to see what she was responding to when she tells him she loves him, but I know you had to pick a spot to start that ended well, and wouldn't leave us hanging. Hard to accomplish so much is such a short excerpt. The only part that didn't work for me (and that could be a product of the short excerpt) was that I wanted to feel the intensity grow between them, not be told about it.
Nice job.
Also love the line Kelly mentioned! Fantastic. Overall, this is damned strong. Even though I haven't read the rest of the book, I can feel the buildup that must have been going on to get them to this scene.
ReplyDeleteThe only line I had any thoughts about was:
"We kiss slowly and eagerly, both of us exploring the curves of each other’s mouths and discovering worlds of feelings and sensations."
Exploring the curves of each other's mouths is a little aggressive for me, but I love the idea of "worlds of feelings and sensation." I'd probably rewrite to something like "We kiss slowly and eagerly, discovering worlds of feelings and sensations in the curves of each other’s mouths."
I don't know about the "lose all awareness," because she goes on to describe all the awareness she is experiencing. Also, maybe switch the "you" to "me"? To make it more personal?
ReplyDeleteI'd love to read more of this. I'd especially like to know more about how they reached this moment! Nice work!
i also really loved the line Kelly and spazfilly mentioned. I was going to copy and paste it here, but Kelly already has.
ReplyDeleteThat said, i feel this line in the next paragraph: I feel something click into place inside me. It’s a settling, a shifting of two souls locking together that's so right I could swear the entire universe turns and takes notice
Kind of says the same thing as the aforementioned awesome line, but not as well. I don't know that you need it.
Id' make that third paragraph stay consistent with the reference--what I mean is, "I can't believe I have gone my whole life without this. I almost can't wrap my head around the magic of kissing someone so perfect for ME, such a part of ME that the world only makes sense when HIS lips are pressed against MINE."
ReplyDeleteAlso, there's a big (raging) debate about tags, but I always just do he said, she said, without saying they tell, whisper, etc. I think it can be a little distracting from the dialogue itself. Just a two cents thing.
Otherwise, good job!!
I think you show a good moment between them, and the tension is apparent. I tend to get tripped up in first person present tense sometimes, and I think this excerpt could benefit from streamlining some of the I + verb combos (I wait, I feel, I lose, I learn). Some of those aren't needed.
ReplyDeleteThis line: "I feel something click into place inside me." could be pared down to "something clicked inside me." You do a great job describing the souls locking together in the line that follows.
In a lot of cases, explaining "I am doing this action" is not needed since it's in first person POV; a little sentence rearranging can keep the flow going so the extra stage direction doesn't slow down the story. First person present tense can be tough; I think the goal should be that the reader doesn't notice the tense at all.
You've done a good job of capturing that first kiss moment!
ReplyDeleteI agree with J.K. Wise about "lose all awareness." I like the next paragraph ("I can't believe...") a lot, so maybe you could change lose all awareness to hyper-awareness.
The phrase "When his lips capture mine" is too purple for me. I'd rather see "When his lips meet mine" or "touch mine."
"Slowly" and "eagerly" seem contradictory.
I also agree with J.K. Wise about the awareness bit. I figured the MC meant all outward awareness beyond their intimate interactions, but it didn't quite read that way. Beyond that, I really love your esoteric style! Beautiful writing that really touches the soul!
ReplyDeleteI agree about losing all awareness, but mainly because it felt chichéd to me. I wanted a bit more setting. Are we on a battlefield? Are they dirty or covered in blood? Great job!
ReplyDelete