TITLE: Chief Bucky
GENRE: Mystery
Think Benjamin and Mrs. Robinson. Bucky is a young police chief questioning a beautiful witness in his squad car.
“Did it make you nervous when I said you have gentle hands?”
“Of course not. Why would it make me nervous?”
“So it did make you nervous.”
“Look, Mrs. Farnsworth—”
“Do you find me attractive? You can be honest.” She took a deep drag on her cigarette.
Bucky coughed and cranked down his window and waved smoke out. “It doesn’t matter what I think.”
She took a compact from her purse and looked closely into the mirror. “Look at my eyes. Do you see wrinkles? There’s no wrinkles. Only a couple little ones that everybody has.”
“You look great. That is, I mean normal, you know for a—”
“For a what? An old hag?”
“Jesus, no.”
She threw her hands to her face and began weeping. “My husband doesn’t love me anymore.”
“No, I’m sure he loves you. You’re . . . you’re beautiful.” She was sort of beautiful with those big knockers, except her ears kind of stuck out.
She pulled a hanky from her purse, looked back into her mirror and dabbed each eye. “Today was a total waste of makeup.” She giggled. “I’m acting silly. Okay, so about Martin’s son. He was in the kitchen. I saw him.”
“How did you know he was Martin’s son?”
“Oh, we said hi to each other in the hallway, and he told me.”
“Thank you Mrs. Farnsworth. Really appreciate your talking to me.”
She leaned across the seat and threw her cigarette out Bucky’s window. Her big knockers pressed hard against his chest. She put her arms around his neck, “Oh, Bucky, do you really think I’m beautiful?”
Bucky leaned his head back. “Definitely. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
She pulled his head to her and planted a long kiss on his lips. “Thank you, Chief Bucky.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
LOVE this line: She was sort of beautiful with those big knockers, except her ears kind of stuck out.
ReplyDeleteLove it.
I had a hard time starting this. And it's probably just due to the post limitations, but it took me 4 lines of dialogue to be sure who was talking when, and then i had to go back. I also couldn't tell this was in 3rd POV until she throws the cigarette out of Bucky's window.
That said. I really like the interplay between the two characters, but i wish i was more grounded with Bucky's thoughts. Like, when she breaks out into sobs, does he understand that they're (presumably) fake because she's trying to manipulate him? I can't tell from his following dialogue or action, so then i'm left floundering wondering if Bucky is just humoring her, or if he actually buys into it.
I hope that helps!
Agree with what Sarah said about the big knockers line! That said, I am not sure I'd use the same terminology the second time they're mentioned(i.e., "Her big knockers pressed hard against his chest.").
ReplyDeleteI was a little surprised that Bucky was so reassuring to her at the end of the scene. As a cop, I expected him to be more nervous that she was crossing the line by throwing her arms around his neck.
Fun scene. The opening, I wasn't sure who had gentle hands? The police chief or Mrs. Farnsworth? Might add a tag in your dialogue. The dialogue is good, funny, and I enjoyed reading :) There are a few places - red flags - like Mrs. Farnsworth saw Martin's son in the kitchen. They said hi to each other in the hallway? Are they in the same house? Confusing. Also, when Mrs. Farnsworth leaned over and put her arms around his neck, "Oh, Bucky . . . Maybe: Oh, Officer Bucky. Would an officer let someone smoke in his vehicle? Are police cars allowed to have smokers anymore? You might want to check that out for creditability. Is Bucky that naive, or that stupid? I'm not sure who I'm rooting for, Mrs. Farnsworth or Bucky. But I really like the scene, and I'm sure if I read more, I'd have a better idea who the Protagonist is. Nice!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this scene. Different from other posts I've been reading, and I like the context of the scene. It is hard with such a short blurb. I agree with everyone on the "big knockers, sticking out ears" line. Loved it. Though, I didn't like reading the term "big knockers" for a second time. I also got confused, and had to read the first few lines over again to figure out who was speaking, but once I did it flowed really well. Even with this short snippet, I don't trust Mrs Farnsworth. haha. good job.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this scene. Different from other posts I've been reading, and I like the context of the scene. It is hard with such a short blurb. I agree with everyone on the "big knockers, sticking out ears" line. Loved it. Though, I didn't like reading the term "big knockers" for a second time. I also got confused, and had to read the first few lines over again to figure out who was speaking, but once I did it flowed really well. Even with this short snippet, I don't trust Mrs Farnsworth. haha. good job.
ReplyDeleteI definitely got the "Mrs. Robinson" vibe from this.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Farnsworth's dialogue is a little-over-the-top, but I get the sense that's intentional, that she's playing Bucky, so it works.
The shift from "we said hi to each other in the hallway," to "Thank you, Mrs. Farnsworth" was kind of abrupt. You might want a line of internal monologue before Bucky speaks, to say, in effect, she had answered all his questions.
I guess I'm alone on this, but I didn't like the "big knockers" line. It was funny, but it read too juvenile to me, like something a 13-year-old might think.
I loved the characterization in this! She's a bit over the top, yes, but I think this works. (Some people ARE over the top! :-) )
ReplyDeleteI wish you would have cut some of the beginning so we could see his reaction to the kiss.
Anyway, good excerpt!
I'm guessing we're in a past era, given the hanky and the knockers and some of the dialogue. I agree the second use of knockers is probably not needed. Given this is from a gruff detective's POV, the kiss probably won't be too flowery, so in that respect it's fitting. I think a smidge more narrative woven in through the dialogue may help--showing more body language, his observations of her.
ReplyDeleteI love seeing the diversity of entries here.
I'm actually rooting for Mrs. Farnsworth over Bucky simply for the fact she felt more tangible a character. Besides the first knockers line, which I thought was 1st POV until Mrs. Farnsworth threw her cigarette out, Bucky's only defining quality is his dialog. I realize this is only a small snippet, but take from that what you will. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat scene!
ReplyDeleteYes, you need at least one dialogue tag on the first or second line so we know who's speaking. One thing that stood out for me was Mrs. Farmsworth's cigarette. Where is it when she's taking her compact out of her purse or holding her face in her hands. And when she's holding the compact and a tissue?
It's a little thing, but it pulled me out of a really fun scene. These are fun characters, and I'd love to spend more time with them!
Agree with Sarah, some attributions on the intial lines would help.
ReplyDelete“I’m acting silly. Okay, so about Martin’s son. He was in the kitchen. I saw him.”
Her transition from basically hitting on him to getting back to the conversation at hand seems rushed, and abrupt. You might want to add a little more dialog there.
Bucky seems to have let the witness take control of the interrogation, which I understand is a no no.
Very funny! She's a hoot! This read really well for me--but I do agree with the suggestions above. And her crying happened so suddenly. Can you add just a tiny lead up to that, so we can see it's coming? He also has a bit of Don Knotts in him from the Andy Griffith show I think!
ReplyDelete