TITLE: Emotionally Compromised - 1st Kiss
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
Jeremy Hunt knows that Alex Turner is trying her damnedest to keep her distance, what he doesn’t know is she’s a federal agent.
I want to kiss her.
“Don’t even think about it Jeremy.”
Can she can read my mind?
“Yes, it’s that obvious, and I am telling you don’t do it.”
My eyebrows shoot up in wry amusement, but I can feel myself leaning towards her.
She doesn’t take a step back, but raises her hand, placing it firmly against my chest in a haphazard attempt to halt me, but the attraction is there; I can feel it like static electricity.
“Will you ever listen to a damn word I say?” she sighs.
It is all a game, and I never lose. Her persistence only makes it more appealing, and I know all I want to do is to kiss that wonderful mouth.
She’s smiling, actually grinning, as I get closer, “Jeremy please—“
With her hand languidly resting on my chest now, our lips finally touch. I can feel her rewarding grin against my mouth. I don’t want to stop, and she doesn’t resist. If anything, she eggs me on as her hand drags up over my chest, sending goosebumps all over my body. What surprises me is that it is her lips commanding mine.
With a quiet moan as my cue, I coax her lips apart, letting our tongues tangle around each other.
*PING* The elevator doors open.
Like a spell that has been broken, before I can form some plan of action, she pushes me away with a surprising amount of strength.
We are out of breath. I can’t wipe the triumphant grin off my face.
She takes in one final fill of oxygen, and says with force, “You get one free pass Jeremy, and that was it.”
She acts as if this is all my fault.
I don’t know much, but I do know it takes two to tango.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think perhaps there needs to be a little more of that chemical tension in this throughout. It's a male POV and men are incredibly visual, so they will focus not so much on feelings but on what they see. Do you think perhaps that he gets a little too far with her at this point? Sometimes the merest graze of lips and slight hint of parting could be more intense and exciting than the full-on tongue-tangling which happens here. If you're building towards a climax, teasing the reader with the first kiss can take the tension to a higher level, without giving too much too soon...
ReplyDeleteI like the interplay between the two characters, the exchnage of who has the upper hand and when. That was well done and your MC comes off as kind of rogue-ish (but not dickish) which i like.
ReplyDeleteSome of the writing could be cleaned up, though to make this really pop. I noticed a few instances of the MC "feel"ing things. "I feel myself start to lean in" "I feel it like static electricity". This kind of filtering pulled me out of the narrative some.
And i had to read this line more than once "What surprises me is that it is her lips commanding mine." to figure out what you meant.
Also, and this is totally a personal preference, i am not a big fan on tongue descriptions in kiss scenes. It kind of grosses me out, thinking about tongues tangling. BUT! Again, personal preferrence. Your mileage may vary.
Good job!
I love the whole forbidden attraction bit, and, of course, it's the woman trying to pull away.
ReplyDeleteI would love a smidge more sexual emotion since it is from a male's POV. I would also think of switching the sentence around after the "Ping". Show her pushing him away first before describing the force of the push. It would seem more immediate.
Having said that, I loved it, and I love the attraction between these two.
I love this. I especially love the sentence "I can feel her rewarding grin against my mouth."
ReplyDeleteAnd I guess that since this appears to be geared towards adults, you can add a bit more sexual description in it, assuming you're comfortable with that.:)
Love this.:)
I really liked this one. :) You get a sense of their personalities and their relationship. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteSome great comments above, I won't repeat. I am a fan of the elevator interruption, and specifically the *ping*. I would suggest adding a little more tension or detail to that line right before, so the interruption feels more impactful.
ReplyDeleteNice work!
Great humor! I really couldn't find much to fault, but do agree ratcheting up the sexual tension between your two characters would probably make me read this excerpt twice as fast ;)
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let everyone know that the real excerpt is more explicit, and bumped up with more sexual tension for sure. Had to PG-13 rate it for submission ;)
ReplyDeleteThe personalities are really clear here. Found it a fun read. Love the ending line from her.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the male POV here, someone above called him roguish and I think that is perfect.
ReplyDeletePlease keep in mind this could be a style thing that you don't want to change (i.e. this is just my opinion) but this whole thing had a humorous, modern feel to it and the lack of contractions didn't seem to go with that tone. It is all a game/We are out of breath/like a spell that has been broken would have flowed better for me as It's all a game/we're out of breath/like a spell that's been broken.
Grammar police, if that just ain't right, y'all feel free to correct me :)
I love this. The writing is smooth and the characters are well formed, in the brief scene you can get a good glimpse at who they are.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy the way these characters tango for control. I agree with Lucie's comments on the lack of contraction action; that felt awkward.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff!
Good writing! Really like the MC’s external and internal banter. I agree with many of the above comments.
ReplyDeleteMy nits:
“My eyebrows shot up in wry amusement.” (Not sure someone should describe their own expression.)
“Her hand drags up my chest.” (If her hand is in a stop position, I couldn’t picture it dragging up. Slides?)
“...it is her lips commanding mine.” (It’s. Could put “her” in italics.)
“...tongues tangle around each other.” (Like Stepshso, I wanted an emotion or a sensory detail following this. Something to draw out the moment.)
“Like a spell that has been broken, before I can form some plan of action, she pushes me away with a surprising amount of strength.” (Using JC McDowell's suggestion, here's mine: The spell is broken and with a surprising amount of strength, she pushes me away.)
“We are out of breath. I can’t wipe the triumphant grin off my face.” (She’s just as breathless as me, and I can’t wipe the triumphant grin off my face.)
“She takes in one final fill of oxygen, and says with force, ‘You get one free pass Jeremy, and that was it.’” (Mention his emotion after this line?? Still amused, or starting to get annoyed as his next line could suggest?)
Good tension!! I'd read more.