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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #10

TITLE: The Forbidden Wedding
GENRE: Historical Romance

A free-spirited artist and an irascible earl tangle over a child who unknowingly holds the key to an old crime that haunts them both.

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12 comments:

  1. MargotGOctober 1, 2013 at 10:35 AM

    This is much too vague.

    Who is the main character?
    What is the inciting incident?
    Conflict=Control of the child?
    Goal=learning what the key is?
    What is the consequences if the MC succeeds/fails?

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  2. Shelly SteigOctober 1, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    I also wondered who the child was...

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  3. ChiTraderOctober 1, 2013 at 1:49 PM

    Doesn't feel like enough information. "Tangle" is too vague. Main thing is what's the goal, obstacle, and consequences of failure.

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  4. Holly BodgerOctober 1, 2013 at 1:57 PM

    This needs more detail. Why are they in conflict with each other? Why do they both need this key (and be specific if it isn't actually a key)? What happens if they don't get it?

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  5. fiction writerOctober 1, 2013 at 2:07 PM

    agree with all above, but the characterization is great.

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  6. Kathleen BasiOctober 1, 2013 at 3:27 PM

    One other thought: this doesn't really read like a romance. We don't see any indication that they are going to be the hero/heroine. We have to assume that from the fact that you labeled it a romance. Does that make sense?

    But you have a lot of room to play here, and I think this is a very intriguing start.

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  7. rachelb26October 1, 2013 at 3:49 PM

    A good start but I need more on the child - and what happens if they fail?

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  8. StephscoOctober 1, 2013 at 5:49 PM

    I got used to twitter-length pitches when I was pitching, so this read tight and concise to me. Though if you are not as limited by the length, I agree some added detail will show more of the story. Maybe one more line about the consequences or stakes. Since you can clearly write a concise pitch, this is just a matter of showing a little more detail. Nice work!

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  9. amhogganOctober 1, 2013 at 6:26 PM

    It's true that this seems to be lacking detail to make the conflict more real and compelling. But it's quite short, so you have room to flesh it out.

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  10. Swirland SparkOctober 1, 2013 at 10:01 PM

    You have some great characters here but I need a few more specifics. Tangle is vague. What is at stake if they don't solve the crime? Being haunted is not enough.

    This sounds like a good story. Good luck!

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  11. Redcard10October 1, 2013 at 10:22 PM

    Impressed by the concise delivery. I wonder if providing just a little detail about the "old crime" would liven this up a bit? I do agree that overall, this is a bit vague as is.

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  12. HEATHER LYNNE DAVISOctober 2, 2013 at 11:25 PM

    This sounds great to me!

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