TITLE: Back in Action
GENRE: Thriller
A quiet, middle-aged, suburban mom finds herself forced to return to her spy life after evidence surfaces implicating someone from her old team is a traitor.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
This one is fine as far as it goes.
ReplyDeleteIt still needs her goal(to expose them, to figure out who it is and warn the others on her former team) and the consequences if she does nothing (her quiet life in jeopardy, her actual life ended?)
I love this and I would read it. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteA quiet, middle-aged, suburban mom [is] forced [back] to her spy life after evidence surfaces implicating someone from her old team [as] a traitor.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to add a second sentence about what she'll have to do.
I liked the fact that it is succinct, uses only 26-words, and I know the main character.
ReplyDeleteWhat I did not get is what does she want? Does she want to prove his innocence. If that is the case maybe you should consider wording it that way. What if you say:
After evidence surfaced accusing an ex-colleague of treason, a middle-aged suburban mom must return to a life of secrecy, spying, and espionage to prove his innocence. {26-words}
OR
Is she returning to the life to make sure nothing surfaces to implicate her. Then how about this.
After evidence surfaced accusing an ex-colleague of treason, a middle-aged suburban mom must return to a life of secrecy, spying, and espionage to clear her name before it is tainted forever.
OR
After evidence surfaced accusing an ex-colleague of treason, a middle-aged suburban mom must return to a life of secrecy, spying, and espionage or risk being the next victim. {28 words}
The goal was missing from your statement. These may not be the goal of your protagonist. This is just to give an idea how to incorporate the goals.
DISCLAIMER: I am learning just like you. You do not have to use any of this. This is helping me to practice writing loglines. I hope it is okay
This reads just like a log line out of a TV guide. Which is great in most ways, but maybe not so great in others. It's definitely interesting as is! I think you could leave it this way if you choose. But it doesn't really set your book apart from others potentially like it. Could you give some hint of what that is? Also maybe a hint of the stakes/consequences of this return to spy life?
ReplyDeleteSome really good suggestions here already. I think this pitch is almost there, just a few more details will help set it apart.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need the word "quiet." Just saying a middle age woman describes plenty. I'm not sure about the last line. Didn't make sense to me. But you're very close. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThis just stuck out as a great logline! easy to read - and I get it. Only thing to think about - can you add a word or two about what forced her to return?
ReplyDeleteA few things:
ReplyDelete1) she has to choose to enter her old life, not be forced to do so
2) you need to give us a reason for why SHE MUST DO THIS. Does she like this old team member? Will something happen to them if everyone believes he/she is a traitor? Does she believe it's a lie or is she trying to prove it's true?
Good luck!
Holly
Curiously, my first thought was that this seems too general, as if it could describe many different books. But then I thought, no, the concept of a middle-aged suburban mom being a spy is pretty specific.
ReplyDeleteIt's possible it's not grabbing me enough because thrillers about spies are not something I usually read, but after reading the other critiques I'm thinking that maybe the problem is that this doesn't give us an idea of what the character actually has to do.
Also, I think perhaps this would intrigue me more if you were specific about what sort of spy she was--that is, did she work in a particular country, and will this mean going back there and leaving her family? (From what little I know, I think most espionage involves international activities.) And that kind of small detail might help to give this more 'flavor.'
I thought this didn't go far enough.
ReplyDeleteAfter evidence surfaces implicating someone from her old team is a traitor (to who? We don't know who she spied for.) NAME
A quiet, middle-aged, suburban mom, returns to her spy life (To do what?) then add whatever/whoever it is that stands in her way and what she must to do overcome them, as well as what will happen if she doesn't.
This is a good first sentence. Now you need a second sentence about obstacles and consequences.
ReplyDelete