TITLE: The Body Thief
GENRE: YA Supernatural
When sixteen-year-old Callie witnesses a soul plunge a knife into the belly of a girl and her best friend disappears soon after, she tracks down the only soul she knows for help—her mostly insane sister, Raven. But Raven leads Callie to a group of souls who will do anything to live again, even kill. And now, Raven wants to live again too and Callie’s body is the perfect fit.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds like a cool concept, but the reader is entirely unfamiliar with it, and what a soul outside of a body is, or looks like, or how it can stab someone. We don't know Raven's situation. Once you include the things that make the reader nod and say "Okay, I understand it enough to get onboard with this concept," then include that great info you already have.
ReplyDeleteBecause the conflict is perfect. I just don't understand the world.
I love the last line. But I think you've used 'souls' too many times. I think you could lose the part about the soul plunging the knife into someone and just focus on her best friend's disappearance. That seems like enough of a catalyst for Callie to go looking for Raven.
ReplyDeleteThis is a cool premise, but I think the beginning is confusing. I don't think you need the best friend. I would focus on the killer souls and her sister:
ReplyDeleteAfter sixteen-year-old Callie witnesses a soul plunge a knife into a girl's belly, she tracks down the soul of her mostly insane sister, Raven. But Raven leads Callie to a group of souls who will kill anyone to live again and Callie’s body seems to fit her sister perfectly.
This is difficult to follow. There are too many elements of the ongoing story sneaking in. It needs clarity.
ReplyDeleteMC=Callie
II=best friend disappears
Conflict=Partners with insane sister
Goal=?
Consequences=?
The goal seems to switch from finding her best friend, to saving herself from her soul-sucking sister.
The consequences are also unclear. What does she gain or lose by her actions.
Try getting down the main elements that relate to each other into a simple statement. Then add a few embellishments.
I had to read that first sentence a first times and am still confused. How does she see a soul? Whose belly is it? Is she helping both the girl and the best friend or just trying to find the best friend? If the latter, this is her goal and it needs to be clearly stated ("for help" is too vague).
ReplyDeleteAlso, how are these souls supposed to help her find the best friend and how does this connect to Raven wanting to take her body? You need to try to focus on the main plot and list only those things that act as obstacles or consequences to the goal.
Good luck!
Holly
I was also thrown by your use of the word 'soul' right from the first sentence, and I think that needs to be clarified. But I'm afraid that this is all coming across as a bit muddled.
ReplyDeleteAs Margot and Holly said, you have to leave out the secondary elements and stay focused on the main through-line of the story, particularly by making Callie's goal clear.
Thanks everyone! How about a revision:
ReplyDeleteAfter her best friend is kidnapped by a body-thieving ghost, sixteen-year-old Callie must track down the only one who can help—her mostly insane and very dead sister, Raven. But Raven has other plans for her and if Callie wants to find her friend alive, she will have to succumb to Raven or fight the hell she got dragged into.
This one's much better. You might state what Raven's plans are for her (as you did in the first version. Always be specific.) and state what 'the hell she got dragged into' is. Again, be specific.
ReplyDeleteThe revision is a big improvement. I agree with Barbara's suggestions for more specifics. I got hung up in the last phrase, "she will have to succumb to Raven or fight the hell she got dragged into." Does succumb to Raven mean give up her body to Raven or share it with her? What hell did she get dragged into (and when did that happen)? But you're making good progress.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the revision works much better though the last bit, "she will have to succumb to Raven or fight the hell she got dragged into" is still confusing.
ReplyDelete