TITLE: In the Midst of Monsters
GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy
A pirate captain and a runaway nun battle across isles haunted with strange and beautiful monsters to bring vengeance to the Basilisk, the terrifying king of the sea.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the MC! Good but why do they need to bring the vengeance? Rather than "the terrifying king of the sea" tell us what it did.
ReplyDeleteA little more detail about why they are on a vengeance mission would tie things up nicely.
ReplyDeleteThis could be something but doesn't explain enough. Authoress gave us up to 100 words so I'd use them here to make this less generic. Mostly - why are they doing this
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first commenter that you should specify what the Basilisk did, and cut the "terrifying king of the sea." I don't think you need to add length to do this, just re-word the very last part. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe others nailed it! Love the descriptors for the MC(s) (pirate captain + runaway nun = YES!), but I want to know what the Basilisk did to warrant the MCs' quest for vengeance.
ReplyDeleteYou've got the word space, just a little more punch to balance the coolness of the pirate and runaway nun(!) and this will be awesome.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a YA feel for this, assuming pirate captain and the nun would be older and not teens. Maybe edit the description to show who is the YA character here, add in a name so we know who the main character is; 17-year-old nun-in-training X, or age + name, new nun to the convent, something like that to give us an idea of age and setting. Maybe say which isles, even if it is fictional, and definitely mention why they seek vengeance and what's at stake if they don't.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!! :)
I agree with everyone who said we need more of why your protagonists are compelled to pursue vengeance. Is there also any kind of negative consequence if they don't?
ReplyDeleteBut I do caution against maxing the 100-word limit to do it as some other folks seem to be suggesting. Authoress may have set the submission limit at 100 words, but like she said, shorter is much, much better. I'd say always try to work a log line within 40 words.
Cheers
Leo
You can add details about the characters in exchange for cutting the last bit: the terrifying king of the sea.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a good length. The characters are interesting, but may be older than the usual YA hero and heroine. You chose good words to convey the sense of a mystical setting. I'm a little confused, though. Is the Basilisk the villain? Are the characters bringing vengeance or delivering vengeance? What are the stakes?
ReplyDeleteSounds like it would be a fun read.
This sounds, well, "epic".
ReplyDeleteI think you could spice it up. Bring in more on the vengeance.
Also, I read the logline, thinking it was adult fiction. Then I read it was YA. You need to YA-ify this.
I love the simplicity and the punch in this one. You've really got the logline concept well in hand. Just need a little more detail about why they're seeking vengeance, and what happens if they fail. Well done though, this one really grabbed my attention!
ReplyDeleteI agree that we need to know why they are doing this. Without motivation, the stakes don't make sense. Also, I find "bring vengeance" a little confusing. Are they trying to punish the Basilisk and, if so, why? As written, it almost sounds like they are acting on his behalf.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This sounds like a rip-roarin' good time! I'd just press you to answer: Why?
ReplyDeleteCool characters bring vengeance to the king of the sea: Why?
B/C he's terrifying? We could use more.
Maybe add one more sentence. Why are they doing this, and what happens if they fail? You might also name your MC.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder about the YA designation. It seems neither a pirate captain nor a nun would be a teen.
Great so far. I agree that you could add one more sentence about why they want vengeance.
ReplyDelete