TITLE: Blow Forward
GENRE: thriller
Holed up inside the cab of her tractor-trailer each day, Lizzie Englander finds solace in putting as many miles as she can between her present life and the horrors of her past—until she accepts an unusual job and a jihadist terrorist, Amid, hijacks her life.
Holding Lizzie at gunpoint, Amid forces her to drive his suspicious cargo cross-country. The miles paint a portrait of her captor as a similarly wounded soul. But when she learns that Amid plans a suicide mission, Lizzie must make a vital choice that causes her to set aside her trepidation and to fight for life.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Unfortunately this is too long for a logline. A logline should be a few sentences and this is 2 paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think your first paragraph is a great start for a logline. I'd work off that
I like the first paragraph. Drop the second.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great blurb but too long for a logline. How about:
ReplyDeleteHoled up inside the cab of her tractor-trailer each day, Lizzie Englander finds solace in putting miles between her present life and the horrors of her past until she is forced at gunpoint to drive a suspicious cargo cross-country. But when she learns she's driving towards a suicide mission, Lizzie must set aside her trepidation and fight for life.
I agree with the other posters - way too long for a logline. The first paragraph definitely has potential though.
ReplyDeleteYou want to establish the character, the conflict the stakes in one or two lines.
I think you could easily cut down the first paragraph, and combine it with the info in the last sentence of the second, to come up with a great logline.
I think you should use most of this in your pitch paragraph,but I agree that it is too long for a logline. You can trim this by focusing on the essentials: identify Lizzie for us, what makes her unique and what she wants (escaping her past in her tractor-trailer), the conflict (the terrorist and his plans), and what will happen if she doesn't succeed. I think you could connect Lizzie's desire at the beginning to escape her horrific past with her desire to stop a horrific future if she doesn't stand up to him.
ReplyDeleteI think Patchi's rewrite does a great job of paring this down, but "horrors of her past" is vague. A more specific clue as to what Lizzie is running from would bring this to life.
ReplyDeleteI agree, this is all good for a query, but condensing to one or two lines will show this as a solid pitch.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
Recently hired [unsusual job] Lizzie thought she'd left her horrific past behind her, but when a terrorist holds her at gunpoint, forcing her to drive his suspicious cargo cross-country, Lizze must [name vital choice] or die trying.
I would name the vital choice instead of hinting at it. Sounds chilling, by the way. Scary.
Ditto too long. Condense!
ReplyDeleteI also felt that there was a lot of vague language in here. For example:
Holed up inside the cab of her tractor-trailer each day, Lizzie Englander finds solace in putting as many miles as she can between her present life and the horrors of her past
What does this mean? Why is she holed up in a tractor cab? Is she plowing a field for miles? Or do you mean a big rig and she's a truck driver? Maybe just say she's a truck driver? Also "horrors of her past" can mean a lot. I think it would be more effective to actually say what they are -- battered wife? child abuse survivor? war veteran? I think it would work better if you just tell us.
I agree w/ the idea of starting w/just the 1st paragraph.
ReplyDeleteNothing new to offer - I agree with the other commenters. Great story concept. This could be polished up into a brilliant query! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOnce again, this is a query that needs to be boiled down a great deal to get to a logline. But you certainly have a very strong concept here. The fact that it's disturbingly current and relevant, as well as the implication that it shows that two very disparate characters may actually have similarities in their pasts, is what makes it pack a punch.
ReplyDeleteSo although I think Patchi's suggested revision is a big step in the right direction--though it could still be quite a bit tighter--I think you should try to keep the reference to her abductor being a jihadist in the logline, because that's part of the impact of the concept.
And I agree that you don't want something as vague (and clichéd) as 'horrors of her past' in either your logline or your query--you'll need to be more specific about what Lizzie has been through.
What a cool idea!! I'm ready to see the film version!
ReplyDeleteI like "until she accepts an usual job" but when I read "and a jihadist terrorist" I stumbled and had to re-read the sentence. My brain took the leap that she was in love with the terrorist or something.
The unusual job leads to her entanglement with a terrorist who in turn hijacks her life.
I love the idea of these two confined and under stress and learning about each other. Fantastic idea! I hope they cast Jessica Chastain as Lizzie, lol.
While interesting, this background about Lizzie is only necessary if "the horrors of her past" are going to act as an obstacle (and if they are, you need to state this). Otherwise, you don't need to tell us she makes a choice as the real challenge is overcoming her fears (which should be specific and tied to her past as noted above).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Yep, paragrapsh 1 is all you need :)
ReplyDeleteI thought you could use a little from both pargs.
ReplyDeleteTruck driver Lizzie Englander must fight for her life when a jihadist terrorist on a suicide mission forces her to drive his suspicious cargo cross country.