TITLE: Charleston
GENRE: Historical fantasy
A twenty-two-year-old nymph must rescue her beloved sister from a four-thousand-year-old warrior while risk losing the human man she loves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this a lot. It is succinct. I know who the protagonist is - a 22-year-old nymph. I know the goal - rescue her beloved sister. I know the antagonist - 4000-year-old warrior. And I know the obstacle/what is in her way/that she may lose - risk LOSING the man she loves. And the writer only used 26 words. I think this is PHENOMENAL.
ReplyDeleteIt is very tight. One typo: I believe "while" should be "or."
ReplyDeleteThat, or perhaps "risk" should be "risking"? I think that would actually make more sense--I guess the gist is that the nymph may rescue her sister, but in doing so she risks the human man she loves, yes?
Also, while this is tight, I might recommend choosing an adjective other than age to describe your protag, something that tells me a bit more what she's like and helps contribute to the conflict. I'd like a greater sense of what makes your story different.
Best of luck!
Short and sweet. I wish I could summarize the plot of my MS this neatly. But I agree with Amanda that "twenty-two-year-old" doesn't give me enough of a feel for the protagonist, and since the book is described as historical fantasy, I'd like to get a sense of where and when it is set. The logline shows the fantasy element, but not the historical element right now.
ReplyDeleteYou have words to spare. It might be worth adding a sentence to flesh out the character and setting.
I'm not sure I can give a critique of this, to me it seems very strong. Amanda points out the "while risk" slip above, but apart from that, I really like it, and I'd love to read the book, so job done. I guess you could trim out 'beloved' - I think the fact it's her sister is enough.
ReplyDeleteThis is way too vague. Why does SHE have to be the one to rescue her sister and WHY is it difficult to do? And how does this require risking the man she loves? You need to give us specifics that make your story special.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I agree with Holy. Its a nice pitch but it doesn't stand out. You need something to set it apart. What's truely unique about this story? What will make me say "I have to read that!" Something new, something exciting. I'm not saying the pitch needs to be longer, but it does need more. You may have to pick one part if the story to focus on and leave out something you would usually explain in a query. There is probably more than one way to do that. You might end up with 2 or three pitches that work so just pick the one you like best.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
To fit on twitter, this is awesome. If you aren't restricted by character count, then I agree that a few more unique details can be afforded here. I see historical fantasy titled Charleston and would love to see a hint of the south here. The nymph and warrior make me think fantasy, but I'm not feeling Charleston (unless it's not the city but someone's name). Maybe replacing the age with a specific character descriptor can show that. This is an excellent foundation; I say keep this one if you need it for a twitter pitch, but play around with a slightly longer and more detailed version to use elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteI agree this is tight and concise, but a few more details would help-- like why her rescuing her sister might result in her losing the man she loves. Adjectives other than age would be good for the characters as well.
ReplyDeleteWhile this is straight and to the point, it lacks voice. Let the voice you use in your MS shine through here. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others: it was short and sweet, but it lacks that "special" something. What make your book interesting? What makes it unique? You have words to flesh this out.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that, unlike so many of the other entries, this one errs on the side of being condensed a little too much. I'm afraid it's coming across as dry and rather vague.
ReplyDeleteI don't get a sense of the setting, and the emphasis on the ages threw me a bit--why is it important that the warrior is four thousand years old? Is there something else about this character that would give us a better sense of what kind of villain he is, and what the protagonist will have to do to rescue her sister from him?