TITLE: Dragon Bait
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Moura Pearce isn’t going to let Senator Darius McCarthy get away with declaring her father a traitor on national television and ruining her life, but if she’s caught plotting against him, McCarthy’s dragons will eat her alive. DRAGON BAIT is set in an alternate 1950's powered by dragon magic.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This reads more like a pitch than a logline, especially the last line, but you've done a great job of introducing the concept and outlining the stakes. I think it would be stronger if you removed the last line and let the reader be intrigued by the concept of a Senator with dragons at his command. Maybe make it clearer that we're talking literal and not metaphorical dragons, and it'll pack even more punch.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting concept! But I need to know what Moura is like--does she have a flaw that she overcomes? (maybe just one word to describe?)
ReplyDeleteI like this other than what is the one thing about Moura's life that she doesn't want ruined? Or why HER life will be ruined if her Dad is accused of being a traitor?
ReplyDeleteYou've given us an intriguing conflict but it could use a bit more detail. Why would this ruin her life and how will she stop him?
ReplyDeleteThe last line needs to be removed. You can add the year in the opening line if you want it there. The rest is implied.
I'd also drop the title and put the year in the opening line if you feel it's necessary to keep it. The story sounds interesting, especially if you cleaned it up a bit. My (rough) example:
ReplyDelete"After Senator Darius McCarthy declares her father a traitor on national television, Moura Pearce vows revenge. She has a plan, but Senator McCarthy has a stable full of hungry dragons that will eat any who oppose him."
I really, really like this. It's my favorite so far. After reading Holly's critique, my suggestion would be to rearrange a bit to put the info from the last line at the beginning, like this:
ReplyDeleteIn an alternate 1950's (powered by dragon magic? I like this idea, but maybe you don't need it since you mention dragons later), Maura Pearce won't... etc.
Best of luck. It sounds great.
I agree to remove the last line which sounds more like a query. I like zolosolo's suggestion to tighten this. Very gool sounding story.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally hooked by this idea. I think it's fantastic. I'd be really excited to read the entire query because I want to hear more details about what the 50's would be like if dragons existed. Good job. It's like Game of Thrones meets Good Night, Good Luck, haha.
ReplyDeleteI like this, you just need to remove the last line.
ReplyDeleteWell done first line. Really works. If you remove the 2nd line as people have suggested, I think readers will be confused about the meaning of "McCarthy's dragons" eating her alive. Personally, I like the additional information/clarification in the 2nd line. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, everyone. You all gave me great feedback. I'm afraid I just found my critique. I may have been hiding from looking, just a little bit, because I was afraid of what all it might say.
ReplyDeleteBut I worked up my nerves and hunted through them all today. Thanks again. You all were great. Sorry I abandoned the festivities.