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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #16

TITLE: WHERE THERE IS DARK
GENRE: YA Fantasy

A desperate teen must form a risky alliance with her boyfriend’s kidnappers to uncover who’s controlling the ForeverNight before the curse of darkness decimates her homeland.

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7 comments:

  1. SMKraftyOctober 22, 2013 at 10:42 AM

    Who is the desperate teen and why is she desperate? I see the seed of a great idea here. Can you let it bloom just a little with just a few more details?
    I think I'd like to see more.

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  2. lisatjOctober 22, 2013 at 1:45 PM

    I like that you're succinct and it reads clearly, but I think we need a few more details. What is the ForeverNight? Does decimation of her homeland include losing people she loves - and her own life? I'd also like to see the name of the teen - I think it would personalize it more. Adding a few more details should strengthen this. Nice start!

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  3. krashnburnOctober 22, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    Agree with the others. This is too vague on its own, and some details will help a lot. Name your MC, too. Bring us closer to her.

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  4. Chelly WritesOctober 22, 2013 at 3:37 PM

    I like that it's direct and to the point, but I need a few more details. Name the MC. Tell me what the ForeverNight is and be specific about the stakes. What does the curse of darkness do. Does it directly kill people? Does it block out the sun, plants won't grow and everyone will starve to death? I want the details.

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  5. Chris VOctober 22, 2013 at 9:13 PM

    Again, to reiterate what everyone's been saying, I'd definitely add more details. Definitely the protag's name and the word "desperate" is vague. Technically all protags are desperate because they have a major problem they need to solve. What's a trait or two that is unique to this protag?

    I would also like a tad bit more detail about the ForverNight - is this the same thing as the "curse of darkness" or is it its own entity? And yes - what does "decimate" mean exactly?

    Also, not all the elements are holding together. I'm sure they do in the actual book, but in the logline I'm wondering how a kidnapped boyfriend is factoring into all this (who kidnapped him and what not and why would the kidnappers know about the ForeverNight?). So, yeah, overall a bit vague, but it has its intriguing aspects as well. I hope this helps!

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  6. amhogganOctober 23, 2013 at 1:22 AM

    This feels like the skeleton of a good logline. You could double the word count with added detail, and it would still be short enough to be punchy. Try using the structure you have and fleshing it out with the information other commenters have suggested you add.

    One other note that's more a story question than a logline question. Would it be possible to separate ForeverNight into two words? That phrase is evocative, and I like it, but squashed together with an internal capital, it reminds me of a brand name. Just a thought.

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  7. Holly BodgerOctober 23, 2013 at 11:15 AM

    First, who is she and why does she need to do this now and what does SHE have to lose if she doesn't do it? Second, is anyone going to try to stop her?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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