TITLE: Startripped
GENRE: YA SF
Blinded in a freak accident, seventeen-year-old Camria is tempted by an offer to get her sight back. Lander has an odd accent and access to technology she’s never heard of before, and the more she learns about him, the more she’s intrigued – and worried. In exchange for restoring her sight, Lander’s team wants her memories. Her embarrassing teenage experiences of high school cliques and drama club? Weird, but seems simple enough...until she discovers buried memories that aren’t her own, memories that belong to another girl who lives light-years away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a bit long for a logline, and I don't think you need Lander. How about:
ReplyDeleteBlinded in a freak accident, seventeen-year-old Camria is tempted by an offer to get her sight back [in] exchange for [] her memories. Her embarrassing teenage experiences of high school cliques and drama club? Weird, but seems simple enough...until she discovers buried memories that aren’t her own, memories that belong to another girl who lives light-years away.
This sounds like a great book, by the way. Good luck!
I like the sound of your plot, but I do think this is a bit long.
ReplyDeleteI have a suspicion that in order to cut it down to the one or two sentences preferred for a logline, you might have to remove the reference to Lander. Even though he's an interesting character, the core of the plot seems to be that Camria has a chance to get her sight back, but in exchange she has to give up her memories. You don't need to introduce Lander in order to convey this.
Likewise, although the specifics of the memories she gives up are fun and interesting ('Her embarrassing teenage experiences ...'), I'm not sure they belong in a logline.
Conversely, one thing I thought was missing was just a hint more of what's at stake. Camria discovers buried memories; that in itself is odd, yes, but how will it affect her life?
Hope this helps!
Wow this sounds like a really cool story. I do think this is a bit long for a log line though. I think you can cut the second line completely and just focus on Camria.
ReplyDeleteI'd go one step further from what Patchi suggested to maybe tighten it further, something like
Blinded in a freak accident, seventeen-year-old Camria is tempted by an offer to get her sight back [in] exchange for [] her memories. Giving up embarrassing high school memories seems simple enough until she discovers buried memories that aren’t her own, memories that belong to another girl who lives light-years away.
I like the sound of this. I 100 percent agree with Patchi and Jamie's rewrite. I think I'd keep the 'high school cliques' etc because it gives such color and insight into the protag. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI essentially agree with the previous comments and the suggested rewrites. Great sounding premise. Needs tightening along the lines suggested by Patchi and Jamie.
ReplyDeleteOh, I want to read this. Agree with Patchi and Jamie, tighten it and it's perfect. I'd leave in the high school cliques too. And tell us the stakes, is she from this planet light years away? What does it matter if she has these memories?
ReplyDeleteCool premise. I agree with the others' great suggestions. But I think you should keep the mention of the cliques and drama club.
ReplyDeleteThis first line needs some work as I don't think the act that blinded her resulted in the offer to get her sight back. I would assume that she is already blind when the book starts (if not, she probably should be!) If that is the case, you need to start with her goal (get her sight back) and then say she thinks it will never happen until she meets Lander (this is her inciting incident). After that, tell us what makes the decision difficult (and this needs to be more than her being embarrassed...we're talking about her sight here!) Finally, you need to connect this piece about discovered memories to either the conflict or the stakes. Why would she care if she gave up someone else's memories? Will this hurt her or someone else? Again, this has to balance the weight of the goal and this is a really important goal so the consequences need to be major.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly