TITLE: The Legacy of the Eye
GENRE: Adult Science Fiction Romance
Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--On a planet where merit should trump birthright, the top governance graduate must expose a secret hereditary polity before he is persuaded to rule from a throne. Unless his rashness enslaves him at the other end of the galaxy first.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteI can see how the 1984 reference might fit the plot, but I'm not so sure about the Persuasion reference. The genre includes romance, but I don't get that from the logline - unless 'before he is persuaded to rule from a throne' is meant to imply that he would marry into the position?
The 'before he is persuaded to rule from a throne' bit confused me anyway, though, because if he is the top governance graduate and he is being asked to rule then surely merit is indeed trumping birthright?
I assume 'polity' (as in a state or civil authority) is correct and not 'policy'.
As I said, though, sounds interesting.
Would "before he is persuaded to [marry the heiress to the] throne" make more sense?
ReplyDeleteI like the merit vs. birthright setup, and the main character seems poised right in the middle of it. So the foundation of the story feels solid.
ReplyDeleteI think my main comment here would be to point out that to some extent the core of the logline is lost for anyone who is not familiar with either Persuasion or 1984 (or both).
Also, I wasn't quite sure how "persuaded" fit. If he knows of a problem then can he simply not chose not to rule? Or will he be forced? If he's going to be forced, than "persuaded" doesn't seem like quite the right word.
I'd drop the first part about Persausion meets 1984. It's a tad confusing and I don't know that it adds to the log line. Iike the next sentence. It's a good set up, but maybe a bit vague. I wonder what a "governance graduate" is, for example. The last sentence is a good start, but I feel like I need more. How would his rashness get him enslaved?
ReplyDeleteGood luck
Yes, leave out the Jane Austen reference, that is a tagline, not a logline. I felt it was confusing too, if he's the top graduate why must he be persuaded to rule? The last sentence is too vague. What rashness? How does his rashness prevent him from ruling?
ReplyDeleteRemember: opening conflict, obstacle, quest.
This seemed both too dense and too vague to really give me a clear idea of the story. I don't see much connection to the comp titles (though they make me curious about your story). Maybe simplify to something like: When top graduate (name) discovers a secret heriditary polity on a planet where merit should trump birthright, he must expose it before he's forced to rule from a throne. If he doesn't, he could get enslaved on the far side of the galaxy. (I don't know if this is quite right, but hopefully it will give you an idea of how to structure it and present the stakes. I also think you need to include something about the romance though.)
ReplyDeleteI'd drop the x meets y to the last paragraph of your pitch.
ReplyDeleteFor me, there are too many words I have to think about individually in the log-line for it to be effective. I know what Polity means but when it's dumped in along with governance, I glaze.
Also, I really think it's important to give us something about your lead -- all I know now is that s/he's good at school, but I don't know name, age, gender, or a single personality trait.
Do either of these work better?
ReplyDeleteOn a planet where merit trumps birthright, the top governance graduate must expose a secret hereditary polity. Unless David's impulsiveness binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy for as long as it takes the woman he loves to forget him.
On a planet where merit trumps birthright, the top governance graduate must expose a secret hereditary polity. Unless David's haste to leave the woman he loves binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy first.
Patchi, your revisions are still missing a few things:
ReplyDelete-motivation: why must he expose this polity (and yeah, use another word here) and what does he have to lose if he doesn't expose it?
-conflict: who/what is going to stop him from exposing it?
Remember, this is HIS story so everything needs to answer the question, why is he doing what he's doing?
Good luck!
Holly
Thanks for all the comments. I keep using polity so I won't have governance and government in the same sentence. Does anyone have a suggestion to get around that in a different way?
ReplyDeleteHere's a shot at a different angle:
On a planet where merit trumps birthright, the top governance graduate uncovers a secret hereditary polity. When David realizes the woman he loves will inherit the rule, his haste to put distance between them binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy for as long as it will take him to forget her.
Looking just at the latest revision...
ReplyDeleteI would say "where merit is supposed to trump birthright," since the next clause tells us it doesn't.
On the governance/government/polity question, I would suggest looking for a simpler way to phrase both concepts. I'm having trouble figuring out what a governance graduate does, and trying to parse "hereditary polity" on top of that makes my head hurt. What about something like "a young civil servant discovers that his government is controlled by a secret dynasty?"
The second sentence isn't bad, but it sounds like the book ends with David running from the woman he loves. Is there a way to end this that leaves open the possibility of a reunion?
Re Persuasion--is this a reimagining of what happened to Captain Wentworth during his years at sea? I agree with cutting the reference in the logline, but have to say, I love the concept!
Thanks Rebecca. I'm just worried adding more makes it too long. The version below is 70 words.
ReplyDeleteOn a planet where merit is supposed to trump birthright, David uncovers a secret hereditary government. When he realizes the woman he loves will inherit the rule, his haste to put distance between them binds him to a planet at the other end of the galaxy for as long as it will take him to forget her. But those who want him as king are determined to lure him back.
Sorry, I never replied to your original comment. I think the latest version is clearer, and better in that both the sci-fi and the romance element are indicated.
ReplyDeleteThere is maybe a hint of a contradiction, in that 'binds him to a planet' suggests he can't leave the planet, but the idea that people can 'lure him back' suggests he can choose to leave it if he wants to.
Also, I guess David might sound a bit passive? He gets bound to a planet. Other people try to lure him. Where are his choices in all this, other than to flee initially? Just trying to think of the criticisms that agents might come up with :-)