TITLE: The Friday Night Fright Club
GENRE: Upper Middle Grade
The girls of the Friday Night Fright Club want to see a ghost. But the ghost they summon causes more than mischief. He’s willing to murder and, if the girls don’t stop him, they might just end up as ghosts themselves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love this! I think you've got all the right elements for the pitch. Nice Job!
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck moving forward with this!
Cute title and great idea.I'm getting a humorous vibe here.
ReplyDeleteVery easy logline to understand. I'm wondering if you can add just a little more zing to really make it fly? The last 'might end up as ghosts themselves' feels the tiniest bit flat. But really that's just a nitpick. Good luck!
Love this. I think you got it in one
ReplyDeleteHow can a ghost murder unless he has a physical body? Is the ghost "willing to murder" or murder? How will the girls stop him? I love the title. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteReally love this! I agree with Elizabeth Dunn in that the last part about "ending up as ghosts themselves" could have a little more zing. Otherwise, perfect!
ReplyDeleteI love this too! That first line hooked me. I agree that the last sentence could be stronger. For me, a sense of how they might banish the ghost would add interest. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds really scary! The only thing that I wonder is if it's truly ensemble/multiple POV, or if there's a main character/narrator you can filter the events through.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments. Great premise and the logline is mostly there.
ReplyDeleteI think part of the problem with the final line is that the sentence begins with the ghost as the subject but ends with the girls as the subject even though they were introduced in this sentence in the clause set aside by the commas (i.e., the "... willing to murder and ..." part feels like it should continue with a focus on the ghost, not the girls).
This definitely sounds intriguing!
ReplyDeleteYou didn't include the genre though (Upper Middle Grade is the age range, but it's not a genre) so I can't tell whether this is supposed to be a real horror story, or if it's more humorous. The word "mischief" makes me think humor though, so if this is more of a thriller/horror story I might change that. Also, it's not clear who the ghost wants to murder, since it sounds like the girls aren't the initial target but just bystanders getting in his way - so maybe some clarification on that would be helpful.
Good luck!
As written, the girls stopping the ghost sounds like a conflict when it's really their goal. Try to focus on them stopping the ghost from murder (and tell us who he wants to murder) and give us some detail on why this will be hard.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly