TITLE: ALIEN PREP SCHOOL CONSPIRACY
GENRE: YA science fiction
When 17 year-old arrogant prep school student Marc Andrews is kidnapped by aliens called the Sipala, he learns they’re protecting Earth from him, future president who starts WWIII. Initially grateful his captors prevented him from becoming a monster, then Marc discovers a Sipala faction wants Earth for themselves, they’re planning to start the averted war and only he can save the planet.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The grammar on this seems a bit off to me, which keeps pulling me out.
ReplyDelete"he learns they’re protecting Earth from him, future president who starts WWIII"
Should be "he learns they’re protecting Earth from him, THE future president who starts WWIII"
and "Initially grateful his captors prevented him from becoming a monster, then Marc discovers a Sipala faction wants Earth for themselves"
Should be:
"Initially grateful his captors prevented him from becoming a monster, Marc THEN discovers a Sipala faction wants Earth for themselves"
OR
"Initially grateful his captors prevented him from becoming a monster, Marc discovers a Sipala faction wants Earth for themselves"
I also don't know that you need the alien species name in the logline. It just takes up space and clutters it up a bit.
I agree this is a bit confusing and overwhelming. Perhaps something more like: Kidnapped by aliens, arrogant 17 year-old Marc Andrews is in for a harsh lesson: The aliens are trying to avert a world war caused by his future self. Marc must return to Earth and stop the chain of events he has already set in motion.
ReplyDeleteJust a suggestion. Good Luck!
I like the premise, but I agree the logline is confusing. I don't think you need to name the aliens or to mention the prep school. How about:
ReplyDeleteWhen [arrogant] 17 year-old []Marc Andrews is kidnapped by aliens [], he learns they’re protecting Earth from him[-- the] future president who starts WWIII. [Mark is] grateful his captors prevented him from becoming a monster, [until he] discovers [the aliens plan] to start the averted war and only he can save the planet.
Not sure on this one. I like the basic premise of "aliens stop the prep school student destined to become a war-mongering president," but it feels somewhat convoluted. I think it's because at first it sounds as though the aliens are united in trying to stop him and then all of a sudden there are two factions. It also sounds a bit like two stories, one where they stop him and then a second where he tries to stop (some of) them.
ReplyDeleteThis could be trimmed down to make it snappier. For example, do we need to know the name of the aliens? Just “aliens” would probably be enough. Also, some of the writing is a bit awkward. Arrogant before 17 year-old would flow better, you don’t need “then” after “monster,” and your last sentence is a run-on. Here’s a potential re-write:
ReplyDelete17-year-old Marc Andrews is kidnapped by aliens who want to prevent his future self from starting WWIII. He’s grateful at first – nobody wants to be THAT GUY. Then he learns an alien faction wants to start the war anyway to have Earth for themselves, and only he can save the planet.
That’s eleven words shorter, and it could probably be trimmed down a bit more.
I’m also worried about the conflict. What specifically does he need to do to save the planet? Will he be working with the other aliens or on his own? How will he know he’s achieved his goal? Paring down will leave space for specifics where they count.
This is a fascinating premise with an interestingly flawed protagonist. Good luck with it.
I like the ideas in this story. Your logline seems to jump too roughly from one concept to another. (He's kidnapped, they averted the war, but then they might not have averted the war, because these other guys want to start the war anyway...) See what I mean?
ReplyDeleteWhat does he have to do to save the planet? Is it warn everyone that the invasion is coming?
I do think Abbe Hoggan's is a bit stronger. You should definitely do the log line if your own voice, but it's a good starting point.
In addition to being a little confusing, this takes a long time to get to his goal (save the planet). Trying to streamline the setup and give us more about his goal as well as what he will need to do to achieve it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly