TITLE: The Meeting Place
GENRE: MG Magical Realism
When eleven-year-old Brooke arrives at Mirror Lake to spend the summer with her grandparents, her only objective is keeping her five-year-old sister from driving her nuts. But after meeting a mysterious girl who claims to be living a century earlier, Brooke realizes she must find a way to change the past – and possibly ensure her own future – before it’s too late.
Miss Snark's First Victim
My first thought is, "Before it's too late for what?" I think you could set up the stakes a little stronger here. If you need a more space to do that, you could jump right to your protagonist meeting someone from another time in the first sentence. That's the exciting part of the story, after all. :)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
I like this idea but I think you need just a tad more detail. How does she need to change the past? And like Katrina suggested before it's too late for what?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I think you are on the right track. I wish you luck moving forward with this.
I think the 'only objective...driving her nuts' part could be cut to tighten this up or you could say she reluctantly went to her grand parents to convey that.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great premise and I agree with the other comments to add a bit more detail to the stakes.
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting, but not enough to wet my appetite. "Mysterious girl" is too vague in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI also do not see the connection between going back in the past and the mysterious girl. Tell me how the girl is mysterious and what does she do to worry Brooke.
What are the stakes?
I do not think mentioning her little sister adds much. It is not a real goal.
Mentions a decision she makes.Changing the past is too vague; it does not give me a good idea about the novel.
Most of this is great. But why should she change her life?
ReplyDeleteSolid start, though I agree on the Or what? What is it too late for? If you spell that out in the pitch, that will work.
ReplyDeleteLove this story idea, and the name Mirror Lake fits so well. Good luck!
I'm intrigued. But I think that the first sentence could be shorter/sharper. You may not need the grandparents or the little sister, but the setting feels important. In the second sentence, I too would like a link between the mysterious girl and Brooke's need to change the past. How does the past threaten Brooke's future? Best of luck with this!
ReplyDeleteVery nicely written, although personally I'd lose the little sister. How about:
ReplyDeleteWhen eleven-year-old Brooke arrives at Mirror Lake to spend the summer with her grandparents, she meets a mysterious girl who claims to be living a century earlier. Brooke must find a way to change the past – and possibly ensure her own future – before [insert worst possible consequence here].
I do love these kinds of mysteries, though--so good luck with it!
I really like the concept of meeting someone who is living a century earlier. Very cool. Not sure how it ties into Brooke needing to change to past though, or what "ensure her own future" means.
ReplyDeleteAnd ditto on "before it’s too late." I'd suggest spelling that one out so we know what the actual stakes are.
I may be repeating something already said, but the line: "Brooke realizes she must find a way to change the past..."
ReplyDeleteWhy "must" she do this? Also, it makes the MC seem powerless. Does she not have a choice? Why does she make this choice and what are the consequences/rewards of this choice?
Good luck. It sounds like a great story!
This is good until "Brooke realizes..." and then it falls apart. What does Brooke actually need to do here? "change the past" and "ensure her future" are vague and don't tell us what her real goal is, what will make it difficult to achieve or what she has to lose if she doesn't meet it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This intrigued me right away, partly because it reminds me of a book by one of my favorite midgrade authors with a similar storyline about befriending a girl who turns out to have lived a hundred years ago. (As I recall, in that one it's a mystery and the MC doesn't figure out that her friend is from the past until the end.)
ReplyDeleteI like MGM's tightened revision--I agree that you don't need to mention the sister--and I'm a little torn about how specific you need to be about what she has to do to; hopefully you can make her challenge clearer without adding too much more, because I feel this does give a good sense of the kind of story it is already.
L.C. McGehee - I don't know if you'll check back to see this comment, but if so, I would love to know the title or author of the book you mention.
ReplyDeleteAnd a big thank you to everyone for the helpful critiques!