No. There's nothing original in the line. Rather than focusing on an outside character's (foster parents) worry, try focusing on the POV character's anxiety about being out too long. That will draw your reader in faster.
No. I was on the fence on this one. I think if we are going to open the story here, I’d rather see Mom and Dad pacing, and hand wringing over the lateness of Cecilia and Maya - great names for your characters. If we want to start with the two girls, show them racing home.
No. What bothers me about this line, is we don't know who is thinking it. Consider opening with what the girls are doing/seeing at the moment the story opens. Then move to the line about the foster parents. That order would help orient the reader as to where the girls are, and if the reader should also be worried about them.
No. This feels rather distant to me. It also doesn't show us anything distinctive about the situation or the girls, other than their being foster children, and that in itself isn't enough to create interest.
If you use 'their' in the beginning, you can't say 'Cecelia and Maya.' You have to say 'they.' My thought is that there's probably a lot of this type of thing throughout.
Try - If Cecelia and Maya didn't return home soon, their foster parents would worry. But even written this way, it's not a great opening line. WHat are Cecilia and Maya doing? WHere are they? Why are they late? The answers to any of those questions would probably be a better place to start.
No. Perhaps if the sentence was flipped to start with the girls' names, however the line itself isn't engaging. If there were a specific detail so we knew why they might worry, that would be far more interesting.
Yes. I'm wondering what the girls are doing when it sounds like they are supposed to be at home.
ReplyDeleteNo. This sounds like many other stories out there and from this, I don't know how yours is different.
ReplyDeleteNo - the grammar is awkward, with the names placed after the pronoun. We should know who's referenced by "Their" before a pronoun is used.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'd rather know where they are/what they're doing than the fact that their foster parents might worry in the future.
ReplyDeleteNo. Grammar is awkward
ReplyDeleteNo. That's a "no duh" sentence and gives no sense of anything interesting other than late teenagers.
ReplyDeleteNo. It would be more interesting if you showed us what they were up to instead.
ReplyDeleteNo. The wording is awkward, and the voice is very distant.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt just do anthing for me. And also it feels a little clunky
No. I felt too removed to care about the characters.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's nothing original in the line. Rather than focusing on an outside character's (foster parents) worry, try focusing on the POV character's anxiety about being out too long. That will draw your reader in faster.
ReplyDeleteNo, too general.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt's awkward and I'm confused about POV.
No
ReplyDelete-because it's seems like a tug at your heartstrings move to make them foster kids in the first line and I'd rather know what they're up to
No.
ReplyDeleteThis feels too distant from the two girls.
No - There's just not enough there to grab me and it's worded awkwardly.
ReplyDeleteNo. We don't have any scene, only two characters we don't yet care anything about.
ReplyDeleteNo. Pre-teens being late is a normal happenstance and doesn't entice me to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo- I want to be with the girls not in limbo somewhere.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI was on the fence on this one. I think if we are going to open the story here, I’d rather see Mom and Dad pacing, and hand wringing over the lateness of Cecilia and Maya - great names for your characters. If we want to start with the two girls, show them racing home.
No. Not sure who "their" is.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nothing here to give me any sense of character or situation.
ReplyDeleteNo - I don't know enough about these characters to care if parents are worried.
ReplyDeleteNo. What bothers me about this line, is we don't know who is thinking it. Consider opening with what the girls are doing/seeing at the moment the story opens. Then move to the line about the foster parents. That order would help orient the reader as to where the girls are, and if the reader should also be worried about them.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't know what's unique about this story. It could be anybody.
ReplyDeleteNo. This feels rather distant to me. It also doesn't show us anything distinctive about the situation or the girls, other than their being foster children, and that in itself isn't enough to create interest.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIf you use 'their' in the beginning, you can't say 'Cecelia and Maya.' You have to say 'they.' My thought is that there's probably a lot of this type of thing throughout.
Try - If Cecelia and Maya didn't return home soon, their foster parents would worry. But even written this way, it's not a great opening line. WHat are Cecilia and Maya doing? WHere are they? Why are they late? The answers to any of those questions would probably be a better place to start.
No. Perhaps if the sentence was flipped to start with the girls' names, however the line itself isn't engaging. If there were a specific detail so we knew why they might worry, that would be far more interesting.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's confusing. 'Their parents' conflicts 'Cecilia and Maya'.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's awkward and gives no sense of character/mood/voice/etc.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's a pretty generic scene - not enough informaton.
ReplyDelete