TITLE: The Heartsmith
GENRE: YA Steampunk Fantasy
I carry my heavy basket of hearts down the crowded cobblestone road. Business men in top hats and monocles sniff as I move past them, while women in long, muslin dresses pick up their skirts as they pass me by. The warm sunshine shimmers off the brick buildings lining the street like stalwart soldiers, illuminating their colorful doors, I’m looking for the red one.
The thing that made this opening line compelling was that carrying a basket of hearts is weird and creepy and why would anyone do that? But the next sentences show that it isn't especially shocking in this world, so that exciting element drains away. Instead, it seems like the heart-carrying is just kind of low class, something the rich folks look down on. That could be interesting in itself, but it doesn't quite fulfill that earlier promise.
ReplyDeleteCan you show us that the businessmen wore top hats and monacles by having them look down their noses at the MC through the monacles while clutching the top hats, or something like that?
One more thing (sorry): the final sentence has a comma splice. Change the last comma to a dash and it will be correct and won't feel like you've sneaked in an extra sentence.
I'm not sure which class the women are supposed to be. The men are business class with top hats, but then the women have muslin dresses.
ReplyDeleteI guess I couldn't imagine anyone but the really poor wearing muslin because it's not a particularly soft material.
That small detail kind of ruins it for me.
I can imagine wearing muslin underclothes, but not dresses.
Yes. I'm going to disagree with Abbe a little and say that I didn't think these next few sentences were a letdown. I actually like that carrying a heavy basket of hearts down a crowded street isn't as unusual as it seems. This world is obviously very different from ours, and it makes me want to know more.
ReplyDeleteI second Abbe's mention of the comma splice, though. I think that comma would work best as a period (and outside the confines of this contest, it doesn't matter if that line is one sentence or two).
Sounds like an interesting world and that the MC with the bucket of hearts isn't particularly liked by those on the street. I would read on to see where this was going.
ReplyDeleteI was on the fence with the first line, but now that there is more I want to continue reading. It's a life in the day of...a weird place.
ReplyDeleteTry tinkering with your sentence structure to strange it up a little bit and improve the flow. For instance, the first sentence could be:
ReplyDeleteDown the crowded cobblestone road, I carry my heavy basket of hearts.
And the last sentence could be chopped in two: "I'm looking for the red one."
I'd also consider trimming the details a bit -- like top hats OR monocles, etc. Keep the focus on the hearts a little more.
Aside from the comma splice that's already been mentioned, this totally grabbed my attention. Is she harvesting these hearts? Selling them to someone else? Where did she get them to begin with? Are they (gulp) human hearts?
ReplyDeleteObviously the denizens of this world are familiar with whatever she's doing, and don't approve or find it disgusting.
I really want to know more of this story. I think you've done a great job here.
Completely nitpicky thoughts inside the use of [[ ]] :
ReplyDeleteI carry my [[a]] heavy basket of hearts down the crowded cobblestone road. Business men in top hats and monocles sniff [[ like they have colds? or at the hearts? ]] as I move past them, while women in long, muslin dresses pick up their skirts as they pass me by [[ she passes by men, why is it that women pass by her? wouldn't she also pass the women? Also the men sniff in relation to the hearts, but I'm assuming the women pick up skirts to walk better? Not sure why, but the lack of parallelism jumped out at me in these 2 instances ]]. The warm sunshine shimmers off the brick buildings lining the street like stalwart soldiers, illuminating their colorful doors, I’m looking for the red one. [[ like others said, you can split up these sentences ]]
Again, really nitpicky, but just another POV for ya.
I don't have anything to add over what's already been said. I find the opening very intriguing and would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like the muslin dresses seem a bit strange, though when I read it it's because they sound too sheer and flimsy to be out on the street in. Whatever clear visual you're going for here seems to be missing its mark. Muslin can be a perfectly nice fabric depending on the era, but because of that variation it's a bit too vague.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the monocles threw me because while that *does* provide a clear visual, you're applying it to *all* of the men on the street, which gives it a sort of cartoony feel to me.
However, my first impulse is definitely to read more
Totally agree with all comments/changes from Erin Boq.
ReplyDeleteThe lack of description on the hearts made me want to stop reading. If this is Steampunk, I want to see gears. ;-)
For some reason, I don't know how to post other than anonymously, but my name is Beth!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think this is an intriguing opening and I would keep reading. I agree with the edit above -- "the heavy basket" rather than "my." I also agree that "I'm looking for..." should be a new sentence. If you want to keep the rhythm of it, you can weave it into this sentence more smoothly. I didn't have the questions one person had about "I move past them" and "they pass me by" but these are good questions. IF you intend it the way it reads (narrator passes men, men pass narrator), I don't mind the mystery and in fact I welcome it. But, if this is not what you mean, you should clarify. I had the same questions about the status and situation of the men and women, but accepted it as part of the world that would be revealed. Love the images in the last sentence. Thanks!
I think these are intriguing images! A grammar note on last sentence: "illuminating..." describes the sunshine not the soldiers or the buildings. Easy fix is to connect clauses with "and":
ReplyDelete...like stalwart soldiers soldiers AND illuminates their colorful doors.
This one works for me. I loved the opening line. The details in the first and second lines, give me a sense of time and place and subtly supports the genre. The third line gives a nice image of brick row homes,and makes me wonder what is special about the red one. I don't know what the hearts are yet, but given the genre, they may be something very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. More, please.
I'm really curious about the basket of hearts! I agree with the suggestion to further describe the actions of the men and women. Maybe the men looked down their noses and the women swished their dresses away from me. (Something like that.) Also agree about reworking the sunshine sentence, and to use a semi-colon or dash before "I’m looking for the red one." Or make it a separate sentence.
ReplyDeleteIf you delete "as they pass by" you eliminate the whole question of who is passing whom.