TITLE: Chaos and the Dark
GENRE: Fiction
I began to worry when my reflection stopped looking me in the eye. A hard blink and the typical mimicry returned, green eyes staring back at me. I decided that telling Lydia was out of the question; she already thought I was insane and I had no desire to prove her right.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Darn! I really loved this first line. It promised that we were starting the story in an important (and creepy) moment. But if the character is going to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, you throw away all the anticipation I was building. Instead, it feels like an excuse to do the "look in the mirror and describe myself" ("green eyes staring back at me") thing.
ReplyDeleteI still like the first line and there is the promise of other odd things happening if Lydia thinks the MC is insane, but I'd want to see more of that quite soon or I'd be inclined to think the first line was misleading.
ReplyDeleteI feel a little let down after the first line. I was prepped for spooky, creepy and got a meh moment.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. This first line was definitely grabby to me when I first read it, but now that we have a little more information, it sounds like it needs to be revised. Saying "my reflection stopped looking me in the eye" implies that it stopped and it did *not* start back up again. Whereas we're told in the very next sentence that it does. 'Stopped' might sound cooler, but it's more important for the reader to be able to trust the writer. One option for revision might be something like:
ReplyDelete"...when one day my reflection refused to look me in the eye."
Next, 'mimicry': very cool word but a) unusual enough that it tripped me up a moment before I settled into what you were saying, and b) it implies agency on the part of the thing that's doing the mimicking. Maybe that's intentional on your part, but if so, then *that* implies the narrator has already got all of that stuff figured out, so maybe this is a little bit of a flashback? Something to consider.
I love that first line!
ReplyDeleteIf it were mine I'd follow the promise of the first line a bit more directly, by spending the next paragraph describing that first instant of noticing. Give us that shivery moment, and THEN move on to what the character decided to do/not do about it.
This intrigues me and I would definitely keep reading. I have no problems with it, and waiting a while to find out what, exactly, is going on with this weird reflection. Very nice job in my opinion.
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ReplyDeleteFascinating opening. I sense an alternate world in play. Please consider cutting "I began to" and "I decided that." Your words will be stronger without those helping phrases.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. Good luck!
Hmm. I'm on the fence. Great opening, but I think I want to feel something a bit more. I don't have a good idea of what the MC is feeling about this. But then again it's only three sentences. It may just be me, but I feel like the character is bored, or just used to this happening and I wanted more of a reaction. But I'd still read on. So in that aspect, you enticed me to read more. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the suggestion to leave out "began to" and "I decided that". The word "mimicry" made me pause, too, since it's a conscious act. But this is an intriguing enough beginning for me to read on to find out what's going on.
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