TITLE: Punishment Summer
GENRE: Young Adult/Contemporary
Maybe if I hadn't downed that last shot of tequila, I would've noticed Dad sitting at the desk as I climbed through my bedroom window. Instead, I tumbled over the sill and thumped to the floor with all the grace of a 118-pound bowling ball, my nose landing inches from a brown loafer. Dad's brown loafer.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes, I would keep reading. I don't know how far I'd go (I don't read contemporary and I'm not fond of drunk characters, especially teenagers), but the writing is good and the conflict is obvious. I also appreciate the touches of humor.
ReplyDeleteYes. That first sentence promises a ton of conflict, and the next few do a good job of setting up the scene. Like Abbe, I also thought the touches of humor were good.
ReplyDeleteMy one quibble is that the last sentence repeats information we already have, so you might consider cutting it. Other than that, I think you've got a great beginning here.
Very enjoyable. It's a great set up.
ReplyDeleteStill laughing! I would totally keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud. Loved the opening, makes me really want to get to know the character. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't fond of this opening sentence in the first round. But coupled with the next two sentences, it works for me. The voice, the title and the genre fit nicely together. I eat my words. Good job.
ReplyDeletePunishment Summer! Yeah, I remember Punishment Junior Year. I guess I have to say this is relatable. I feel the misery coming.
ReplyDeleteThis is cute. I'd change "Dad" to "someone" in your opening line. Gives it more mystery.
ReplyDeleteThen, when Dad's identity is revealed in your third sentence, I think gives it more impact.
Totally agree with the last comment about using "someone." The title and the set-up promise lots of teen angst! The MC's voice shows lots of personality.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would keep reading. Good voice and humor! I agree with changing the first Dad to someone.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the repetition of loafer. I would just delete brown the second time. Change to- Dad's loafer. I think that would stand out more.
I've already commented, but I wanted to chime in to say that I disagree with changing "Dad" to "someone" in the first sentence, for two reasons.
ReplyDeleteFirst, while it would add mystery, I think it would reduce the suspense. The thing that makes me hold my breath is knowing that the very person she's hiding from (that's why she's climbing through the window instead of walking in the front door) is waiting for her, and I know it but she doesn't.
Second, the mystery it would add would be a different kind. If there's just a random stranger waiting for her, I stop worrying that she'll get in trouble and start being afraid she's about to get murdered. Totally different kind of mood.
So that's my sales pitch for keeping it the way it is :).