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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #3

TITLE: The Sirens of Falkeld
GENRE: YA Fantasy

To save his dying grandfather, Kade sets out to capture a beautiful, Scottish sea maiden, whom legend says will grant three wishes if caught. But his quest is complicated by an obsessive WWII Admiral, who desires the maiden's power for a weapon in the worldwide war.

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7 comments:

  1. PatchiSeptember 23, 2014 at 11:23 AM

    I don't think you need "in the worldwide war" at the end. I think "weapon" is a stronger word to end with.

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  2. AnonymousSeptember 23, 2014 at 12:39 PM

    I like this. It feels a bit cliche the way you describe it, so try using something new. Instead of "beautiful sea maiden," is she hard to find, mysterious, fierce, gentle...? Also add punch to the dying grandfather: "...who had raised him like a son," or "Who was the only family he had left."

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  3. MilhaudSeptember 23, 2014 at 1:33 PM

    Suggest "mythical, Scottish sea maiden" and "weapon" or "war weapon" at the end. I'd deep six "obsessive".

    Otherwise, you have set the stakes well.

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  4. Holly BodgerSeptember 23, 2014 at 1:39 PM

    This has most of the required elements, but the conflict is a little unclear. I can see why the Admiral wants to catch the sea maiden, but I can't see why that's a problem for Kade. Does Kade need to do something in particular to catch the sea maiden? Is the Admiral better at these things? Is he going to sabotage Kade's quest? Does the sea maiden want to be caught?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  5. Jennifer KaySeptember 23, 2014 at 9:04 PM

    Can the sea maiden only grant the wishes to one person? That would certainly raise the stakes. If not, you need to clarify why Kade and the Admiral can't work together to both catch her and both get wishes.

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  6. RickSeptember 23, 2014 at 9:49 PM

    My only question is if this set in modern times because a WWII admiral would be about 100 years old unless he was a teenaged admiral

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  7. BarbaraSeptember 24, 2014 at 11:55 AM

    Perhaps start with 'During WWII' (if that's when this takes place.) Also, tell us who the Admiral is. English, German, AMerican, or better yet, name him. ANd then maybe tell us how and why this admiral is interfering in Kade's quest.

    During WWII, Kade sets out to save his dying grandfather by capturing a --------, (what is this sea maiden called?) a Scottish sea maiden, who legend says will grant three wishes if caught. But his quest is complicated when Admiral Smith of the German Navy interferes by (whatever he's doing to screw things up.)

    Once you get that info in, you could probably tighten it up.

    ReplyDelete