TITLE: The Chicken Who Saved The World
GENRE: MG Mystery
When an imaginative eleven-year-old girl discovers evil space chickens are using a popular video game to hypnotize people in her small town, she must overcome her lack of self-confidence when no one believes her to save her loved ones and stop the chickens before they take over the world.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You had me at "evil space chickens" :-)
ReplyDeleteFor me, "when no one believes her" doesn't fit in that sentence. I'm not sure you need it, as it's clear no one would.
This sounds fun. I would strike "overcome her lack of self-confidence when no one believes her" and substitute "must find a way". Good luck
ReplyDeleteI think a few tweaks will make this shine; you can omit "people in" and just say "hypnotize her small town."
ReplyDeleteThe overcome part is essential so we know what the MC must sacrifice. Rather than going vague, maybe amp up the verb: she must conquer her [name fear, or, can you be more specific or less wordy than "lack of self confidence"?] and convince her loved ones to [flee? take action?] to stop the chickens...
You have all the components. Fun sounding story.
I love this!!! Evil space chickens had me.
ReplyDeleteI would delete "when they don't believe her." It's implied in the low self-esteem.
This is cute, but you need to make the obstacles more tangible. Are these chickens hard to stop? What will she have to do to stop them? Finally, why is this quest personal to her? You must always be careful about "save the world" goals because they are removed from the character. In this case, if you focus on her saving specific loved ones right now (ie, Mom who has been kidnapped by a chicken...I can't believe I just typed that, by the way!), then we will be more engaged in her quest.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Hmmm. . .You earth people are so nice I almost feel bad about enslaving you and harvesting your fingers for my intergalactic fast food chain, featuring our specialty, People Fried Fingers. Your comments are very helpful and have given me new ideas on how to work with my log-line. When I take over your world, I may spare you.
ReplyDeleteOr not. Bwa-ha-ha-cluck!
*Try our NEW People Pot Pies!*
I would mention the main character's name to help the reader connect with her. Also, it sounds a little cliche to say she overcomes self confidence to save the day when no one believes her. While that might be true, what actions does she actually have to find the courage to do to save the day? With evil space chickens involved, I'm sure it's very interesting and will showcase the unique voice of the book.
ReplyDeleteMaybe say "WHen 11 yo Sally (Or whatever her name is).
ReplyDeleteYou can also make it personal. Let the chickens hypnotize a friend or family member. They can also hypnotize the whole town, but if someone she loves and cares about is included, it makes it more believable that she'd do something about it.
I'd cut "when no one believes her." And you can change 'to save her loved ones' to whoever her loved ones are - her family, her sister, her Mom -- whatever. ANd instead of saying 'before they take over the world.' perhaps say before they do whatever it is they're doing to her loved ones in their attempt to take over the world. Keep it as personal to your MC as possible.
Yu