TITLE: If I Promise You the Sun
GENRE: YA Gothic Thriller
Raised in an isolated religious sect in Virginia’s mountains, 16-year-old Eve refuses to believe there’s no cure for her brother’s genetic illness. As she considers how far she’ll go to save him, she meets a 19-year-old migrant who offers to get medicine to her brother, if she’ll help kill the sect’s leader. If Eve agrees, she’ll destroy the only home she’s ever known. If she says no, her beloved brother’s as good as dead.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is great. All the stakes and problems are laid out along with a plan of action / consequences for each choice.
ReplyDeleteThe phrasing is the only thing that got me. You can delete some things to make it read more smoothly (details like "in Virginia" are unimportant). Who is the migrant and what does he stand to gain?
Ooh, this premise sounds good!
ReplyDeleteI think you can lose the "As she considers" phrase which reads wordy. Perhaps simplify to "She'll risk anything to save him" OR amend the line to something like "When a [characteristic] migrant offers to [steal? find? replace "get"] for her brother, Eve agrees; only the offer comes with a price: etc...
The characteristic of the migrant could be something about his/her personality, or something to clarify what you mean by migrant, another detail to set the tone I mean.
This seems really promising. Good luck!
I agree with the above. You can make this slimmer and sleeker. Get rid of the unnecessary details and condense to one or two sentences.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea.
Excellent conflict here!
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of things that could be tidied up:
-does she just accept her brother can be cured with some random medicine just because a stranger says so?
-you should say it's the leader of HER sect she has to kill and you should also explain why that will destroy her home
Good luck!
Holly
Wow! Amazing feedback--thanks!!!
ReplyDeleteI like this, but it's a bit long for a logline. Maybe try to cut some of the unimportant details and reword some parts
ReplyDeleteNice job laying out her impossible decision. For a logline it does seem long, so I wouldn't add any more detail. But I also don't see anything unessential that could be cut.
ReplyDeleteI think you should keep 'Virginia' as that says something about the people. Virginia mountain peopleare different from Colorado mountain people.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut "as she considers how far she'll go to save him.' You're basically telling us the same thing when you tell us about the decision she has to make in the last sentence.
I agree with clarifying 'migrant.' Is he a migrant worker? Is he a drifter? ANd you might say, 'when she meets NAME, a migrant . . .' and say why he wants the sect leader dead.
I'm not sure about those last two sentences, because it kind of implies the story is about making a choice, and there's probably a lot more to it than that.
And since this is a Gothic thriller, maybe you can word the logline to create a Gothic thriller kind of mood/tone.