TITLE: Edgefield
GENRE: General Fiction
While staying at a quirky gentrified hotel, a journalist, guilt-ridden over his mistake in a young girl’s kidnapping, seeks redemption when he uncovers a long ignored connection between the building’s storytelling janitor, an old county poor farm, and a 1950’s serial murderer.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this! It's clear who the MC is, and what the stakes are - personal redemption and the resolution of a great story.
ReplyDeleteI think the author meant "poor farmer" instead of "poor farm?"
I didn't understand the "an old county poor farm" either. Otherwise, this is great.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand the "an old county poor farm" either. Otherwise, this is great.
ReplyDeleteA "poor farm" is a part of American history. It's like a Dickensian workhouse, but with a farm attached to grow food for the residents.
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted to write about Edgefield! The place is haunted, you know.:)
ReplyDeleteBeing a local, I understood the "old country poor farm", because Edgefield literally was the old country poor farm, where we housed the poor and homeless, who then farmed the land to raise food for themselves. Now it's a funky, popular resort, totally worth staying at and totally worth writing about. Loved the logline and premise and can't wait to read this!
Hi DJ,
ReplyDeleteYes, I know it is haunted. But just the third floor. :)
I think this is great! I also got tripped up on the poor farm; would it work to say work farm, or is there another name for it? People familiar with the concept will get it I suppose. Overall, strong pitch!
ReplyDeleteI really like this. My only thought is that it's a bit long for one sentence, but it's clear enough that it's not really an issue. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOkay, so first you need to start with what incites the story. Is it arriving at this hotel or does something happen? Next, you need a tangible goal. A reader cannot grasp "redemption". Tell us exactly what needs to happen in order for this journey to be done. It sounds to me like what he is seeking is the truth about a 1950s serial killer. If so, then your setup is the fact that he has guilt, your goal is solving this story and the stakes are the need for redemption (because without it he can't do something important like work or be happy?)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Good criticism, Holly. However, one point: loglines aren't generally meant for average readers. They are meant for agents, editors, etc.
ReplyDeleteI'd be careful with this wording "guilt-ridden over his mistake in a young girl’s kidnapping." I read this and think he tried to kidnap someone, which makes me dislike the main character. I suspect you actually meant he messed up his news coverage of the kidnapping or his role in the recovery attempt.
ReplyDeletePerhaps start with the journalist's name, and then say what his mistake was. Then he goes to the quirky hotel to maybe get away from it all (if that's what happened. If it's not, say why he went to the hotel. Vacation? News story?) Then say he uncovers the janitor/poor farm/murders and decides to solve them in order to make up for his mistake. ANd then add what goes wrong (whatever trouble he gets into by doing that.)
ReplyDelete