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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Logline Critique Round Two #13

TITLE: I'M NOT A ZOMBIE, BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV
GENRE: MG Humorous Contemporary

When Marty’s dad loses his teaching job, the extremely squeamish sixth-grader auditions for a cereal commercial to help pay bills, but lands a part as a zombie in the sitcom, “Z Street,” instead.





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18 comments:

  1. kristi d.wientgeOctober 7, 2014 at 10:27 AM

    This sounds hilarious! I just wish I had a "but..." at the end. What is the conflict here? I still want to read this, though! x

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  2. UnknownOctober 7, 2014 at 10:44 AM

    Can I tell you how much I love the title of this? I also like the logline, but I am with Kristi. I think we're missing the back half of it. We have the set-up, now what's the problem? How does being on this zombie sitcom change his life?

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  3. JohnCCOctober 7, 2014 at 12:57 PM

    The title and setup are great, but what's the conflict? What stands in his way of achieving his goal of earning money for his family?

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  4. trreatOctober 7, 2014 at 1:29 PM

    I'm glad to see you tackling humor. A funny premise. I don't need more to entice me to read. I see a great romp ahead.
    But I wonder what "extremely squeamish" has to do with the story.

    ReplyDelete
  5. rachelb26October 7, 2014 at 1:37 PM

    This sounds great! You have a strong title and a good set up but now that your character has the job - what happens? Or is the story about his struggle to land the job?

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  6. JJROctober 7, 2014 at 1:44 PM

    The conflict is that he's a super squeamish kid and he has to play one of the slimy, bone-crunching, bloody undead, right? He just wants to eat cereal for a couple takes, not devour people's faces. This sounds really funny. It's the most original logline I've seen. I like it!

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  7. Holly BodgerOctober 7, 2014 at 2:05 PM

    I like this setup, but you need to add some conflict and obstacles. Does the Zombie sitcom pay the bills? If so, it sounds like he has met his goal and the story is done. If it doesn't, this needs to be clear.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  8. mbrownOctober 7, 2014 at 3:28 PM

    Thanks for your comments, everyone! The real conflict for Marty is that to keep the job (and help his family keep their house) he has to figure out how to stomach all the gross stuff he has to do on the show.

    So how about:
    When Marty's dad loses his teaching job, the extremely squeamish sixth-grader auditions for a cereal commercial to help pay bills, and gets cast as a zombie in the sitcom, "Z Street," instead. But in order to keep bringing home the bacon, he'll have to figure out how not to hurl every time he eats brains.

    Is this any clearer? Input, please!

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  9. JohnCCOctober 7, 2014 at 4:48 PM

    The revision is clearer and it's funnier. Good voice. MG would need to up the stakes more than this as the book progresses (introduce a villain that Marty has to overcome, for instance) but this could work nicely as a chapter book.

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  10. Becca McCannOctober 7, 2014 at 5:03 PM

    I like this!

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  11. trreatOctober 7, 2014 at 5:50 PM

    I agree. The revision is great.

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  12. UnknownOctober 7, 2014 at 7:27 PM

    I’m not surprised you have so many comments- this premise is hilarious! The one thing I feel that this is missing is the conflict. In other words, why is landing the sitcom a bad thing? I would think it would be great!

    UPDATE: sorry- I try to write my comments before reading other’s feedback. I saw your revision- I would just suggest deleting “In order” to make it more concise. Good luck!

    Ryna (#29)

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  13. mbrownOctober 7, 2014 at 8:04 PM

    Thanks again, everyone. This is so helpful.

    Should I revise the last line to include his embarrassing stage dad (a laid-off theater teacher, the "veteran" kid actor who thinks he should have had Marty's part and tries to sabotage his scenes, and the new director who comes on later and has no tolerance for Marty's "condition?" Because it's definitely MG. Should I just hone in on the rival actor to keep it more focused?

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  14. Gifford MacShaneOctober 7, 2014 at 8:55 PM

    I agree, you definitely need to add the "and then what?"

    But it sounds great!

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  15. JohnCCOctober 8, 2014 at 1:17 AM

    Definitely keep this kid-centric and focus on the rival actor. You could hint at other problems with a line like: Marty has a lot of headaches besides eating brains, including a veteran kid actor who tries to sabotage his scenes.

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  16. mbrownOctober 8, 2014 at 7:02 AM

    JohnCC, that's a great line. Love the headaches/brains bit! Thank you!

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  17. StephscoOctober 8, 2014 at 5:34 PM

    I like the rewrite! The comment about upping the stakes may be a factor, though perhaps if this is the lower age range of MG not so much an issue? If there is a more obvious villain it might work to have that in the pitch too, but what's here is pretty good, and maybe the additional detail can go in a query.

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  18. BlueMetalOctober 9, 2014 at 2:56 PM

    This sounds fun! Wondering what the main character needs to overcome. I feel it needs to be something more than just dealing with zombie make-up. I am just not feeling a downside.

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