TITLE: Sunset
GENRE: YA
At seventeen, Jackson has to move back to the small town he was forced to leave after accidentally killing a man. As the school year progresses, he realizes he's in love with his childhood sweetheart who happens to be dating his cousin. When he asks for Mom’s advice, she blindsides him with her past. Jackson then has to find out the truth or stop pursuing the girl who’s always held his heart.
Miss Snark's First Victim
There's a lot of interesting stuff here but I feel like it's not really cohesive. There's the backstory of the accidental killing, the sweetheart, the cousin. But then the part about "her past" and "find out the truth" is a bit too vague to fully grab my interest. Try to focus on the crux of Jackson's problem, what he wants and what's keeping him from it. It seems you should center on his pursuit of the girl. That's where you want specific details.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Okay. If he's only 17, maybe ex-girlfriend instead of childhood sweetheart? Because as is this is feeling way more NA or even Romance.
ReplyDeleteAfter he accidentally kills a man, seventeen-year-old Jackson must return to the small town he once left. When he realizes he's falling for his ex again, Mom blindsides him with info from his past, leaving him to decide if he wants to....
This reads more like a plot synopsis to me than a log line. I can't hone in on the main plot -- does it have to do with the man he killed? Mom's past? The ex-girlfriend? Clarifying your genre will help, too, since you've only indicated YA. It sounds like maybe it's a romance, and the other things you have in there are just the additional complications to your resolution.
ReplyDeleteThis takes a while to get to a goal and then the goal is kind of vague. Does he want the truth about Mom or does he want the girl? If he wants the girl, you need to clearly state why the cousin and Mom's secret are obstacles to him getting the girl. As written, it doesn't make sense why he can't have the girl if he doesn't know the truth.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
There are several things going on in this log line and it's hard to see how they fit together. Maybe narrow it down to getting the girl as some of the others have said. Also, maybe give some specific truth that he needs to find out rather than truth in the vague sense.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first line, but after that I got a little confused. In the sentence about asking for advice, does the “her past” refer to his mom or his love interest? Is there a way to maybe scale back on the number of people? You have Jackson, the murdered man, Jackson’s mom, his love interest and cousin- all in a very short paragraph. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteRyna (#29)
I actually have no idea what's going on with this story. The individual elements are interesting, particularly the detail about him killing someone, but they don't form a coherent through line.
ReplyDelete