TITLE: Dragon Hunt
GENRE: Fantasy
The deteriorating magic of a centuries old Peace Accord, bound by the blood of Elves, Humans and Dragons weakens further as Arch Mage Risa Thimoryn begins her quest to eradicate dragons from Paelon. When a human girl, Gillian, manages to save her dragon, Naga, from Risa’s sword in an unimaginable way, and threatens the mage’s quest, Risa changes tactics and finds an unexpected inheritance offering her more than just a solution to her quest.
Risa glared at the back of the horse-sized, brick-red Watch Dragon lying on the rocks below her. She pulled her cloak hood over her braided brown hair and pointed ears, and cautiously settled among the boulder field to wait. With the breeze coming up the hill from the human village, she was sure the smoke from evening hearth fires wafting the aroma of roasting meats and baking breads would hide her scent. Anxious for the shroud of night to come, she peeked from her hiding place and watched the dragon’s nose whuffle the delicious smells, but remain still with his eyes closed. His apparent complacency would make him an easy target and the magic of his pelphar would be another welcome addition to her collection.
Glancing down the hill, Risa adjusted her sword and crouched lower as an auburn haired teenage girl ambled up the hillside with a bouquet of golden lilybells. At nearly the same moment, the dragon’s green eyes opened and his snout lifted to sniff the air. In one smooth motion, he drew his feet under him and wrapped his nearly seven-foot-long body into a neat bundle like a cat ready to pounce. Only the tip of his tail twitched. As the girl neared, the dragon shifted slightly, his ear flaps swiveling to catch the girl’s humming. Tiny fidgets readjusted his tense body, waiting for the perfect moment, and then he pounced.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hi
ReplyDeleteIt's good, but it feels like you're rushing a bit to introduce everything you want in the first 250 characters.
Don't try and say everything so quickly. e.g. Does it matter that Risa's hair is brown (a generic color description anyway)?
Watch your sentences structure too:
'Among the boulder field' doesn't read right
and
'but remained still' refers to the dragon's nose, not the dragon.
Interesting anti-hero choice :)
Hello. I had the same sense that there was an effort to cram a lot in here. It struck me that the most compelling thing to draw me into the story is the tenseness of the situation -- the dragon getting ready to pounce on the human girl, and how Risa is going to react to that.
ReplyDeleteIt's also a challenge to introduce a POV character with details of their appearance -- it's not like Risa is likely thinking about how her hair is brown or her ears are pointed as she pulls down her hood. If you want to convey the idea that is not human, you do that well by referring to the village as a "human" village.
I do want to keep reading to find out what happens next. Good luck!
Whose side are we on? I find myself rooting for Gillian and her dragon, (especially if it's about to pounce on her in fun) not Risa the hunter. I would read on if there is hope that Risa is going to turn over a new leaf and do something unexpected. You might be able to work the ears and hair colour in if you make it part of her effort to stay concealed.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this selection. I thought the author did a great job establishing this world. There's a Watch Dragon (not just a dragon) and a person who hunts it to gain something that would enhance her own magic. Risa thinks of the village as the "human village" so it's clear we have several races living together in this world (the pointed ears suggesting elves).
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the log line until after the opening and comments, so I didn't realize the Watch Dragon was not threatening the girl. I thought the fact that the Dragon pounced increased the tension and I wanted to know if Risa would act in time to save the girl.
The premise might not be as interesting as this first page, but I liked the latter a lot.
A dragon story! Yay! :) I love the premise for this.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot going on in your first paragraph and it would behoove you to break it up so it won't appear so dense. It's pretty crammed full as is.
The other issue I have is the distant third POV that borders on omniscient. It would be odd for a character to make note of her own brown hair and pointed ears, but it would be expected of an omniscient narrator. Be advised that an omniscient POV is less engaging than deep POV.
The second paragraph is where the writing really shines. Very tense and descriptive, totally compelling.
Good luck!
I like the intriguing premise of a girl against peace!
ReplyDeleteAnd the opening is very atmospheric, with the smells wafting in the air, that I felt immediately on the ridge with Risa. Great start! I would read more to see what ensues when the girl reaches the dragon.
Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThe concept is good but we are inundated with description that does not move the story along.
ReplyDeleteClean writing, but one of the things that causes me to shut many fantasy books is over describing to the point I don't even care what is going on.
Good luck! Great concept and clean writing.