TITLE: Dead Odds
GENRE: Mystery
All FBI Conrad Keane wants is to reconnect with his estranged brother. After a reunion ends with Sean Riggins dead after a late-night mugging, Keane seizes a chance to redeem years poor decisions and avenge Sean. But his off-the-books investigation reveals the Sean he never knew, an entrepreneurial gambler linked to a local syndicate. When more gamblers turn up dead, an increasingly unpredictable Keane must find the killer before he loses his career – or his life.
Conrad Keane slammed his hand on the mahogany bar. “Enough.”
The two men in front on him jerked into silence. The father, Quentin Riggins, pointed a crooked finger at him. “We’re not done. And this doesn’t concern you.” He turned to his son. “Does it?”
Sean Riggins glared back.
“I’m just saying it’s been a great weekend, and you’re ruining it,” Keane said and shook his head.
For two balmy December days in South Florida, the three of them fished and drank, laughed and told stories. It was as much of a family reunion as Keane had ever enjoyed. He’d never had a beer with his half-brother, never even made the effort to be a part of Sean’s life beyond birthday calls and occasional holiday visits.
To Keane, the recent death of their mother — sainted by no one — had lifted a burden. He suspected Sean felt relieved, too. Today they’d bonded.
Yet Quentin — everyone called him Q — picked a fight as soon as he locked the door behind the last drinkers out of The Tides, his Boynton Beach bar.
“What’s the problem?” Keane asked.
“He wants to run my life,” Sean said.
Keane chuckled. “That’s what fathers do.”
“What would you know about it?” Sean shot back.
Keane blinked. He’d left his hard-ass, FBI attitude in Tennessee, never figuring he’d need it here. He cocked his head. “Listen —”
“See what I mean?” Q lifted his hands in frustration. “You try to set him straight, and he won’t hear it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
After the hand slapped or hit the bar, the action slowed way down. Not that it was that important, but I as a reader thought that anger would dominate the opening. Just a preference perhaps. I'm sure this chapter goes somewhere to keep the reader involved. Good luck with this story in the bidding.
ReplyDeleteRight away, I'm intrigued by the synopsis and by the setting here, a bar in south Florida and the reference to Tennessee.
ReplyDeleteI suffered from some confusion in the excerpt, though. I had a hard time decoding who was who in the piece and had to read it a couple of times to understand the triangle here: Quentin (Q) is the oldest character with a son, Sean, who is the half-brother of Keane, I think. So, presumably, Keane has a different father than Sean. Or maybe I got that all wrong. See? A little more clarity of who is who would help. Maybe an outside editor could pinpoint the exact (small) changes that would make this all crystal clear. It's close, but a little careful editing would make it just right.
It would also help to add a "had" to the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, "...the three of them HAD fished..." because I take it that they've already done that and the relative time lapse (from past to present) should be made clear.
These editing details aside, your synopsis is engaging, you've given us an interesting familial conflict I'd like to know more about, and an intriguing setting. This all shows promise. Good luck in the bidding.
Intriguing setting and premise, but I did find the excerpt a bit confusing, mainly because I was trying to figure out who all the people were and how they were related to each other. I eventually figured out that Quentin was Sean's father but not Conrad's father, but you might consider changing the third sentence to make the relationship clear earlier. For example, instead of "The father" use "Sean's father."
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the type of thing I'd read, and you've got a good start to an interesting character in Keane.
ReplyDeleteBut I was confused by the opening. First--and this might just be me--but I couldn't picture the bar in the beginning. I was thinking a beam of wood, for some reason, and then when he said they'd been fishing I thought they were on a boat. If it's just me, ignore it. But if you get others who are confused, I'd suggest opening with Keane ushering the locals out of the bar, locking the door, and then turning on Quentin and Sean. That would ground the reader immediately.
The second sentence is also confusing because we have to wait to find out who the two men are. Could you say 'Quentin and Sean jerked into silence. Sean's father pointed a crooked finger at his son.' This lets us know at least names for the other players in this scene, as well as some of the dynamics You explain the relationship really well a few paragraphs down where you tell us Sean is the half-brother and they share a mom, but a bit up front would be helpful. :)
Overall, I think this is an interesting set-up and I bet a lot of people will want to read it. Good luck in the auction!
I think the log line could benefit from shortening and simplifying. I had to read it carefully a few times to get it. See in brackets:
ReplyDeleteAll FBI [agent] Conrad Keane wants is to reconnect with his estranged brother [Sean]. After a reunion ends with [didn't know this was his brother, maybe say earlier] Sean Riggins dead after a late-night mugging, Keane seizes a chance to redeem years [of] poor decisions and avenge Sean. But his off-the-books investigation reveals the Sean he never knew, an entrepreneurial gambler linked to a local syndicate. When more gamblers turn up dead, an increasingly unpredictable Keane must find the killer before he loses his career – or his life.
I liked "Keane blinked. He’d left his hard-ass, FBI attitude in Tennessee, never figuring he’d need it here. He cocked his head. “Listen —” gives a nice sense of the different roles we put on. And develops his character nicely.
I think what might help this is if you give a few sentences of what the argument is about, a few more lines of dialogue and facial expression, before going into the backstory. I didn't feel quite anchored in the present, and toward the end I was almost wondering if Q was still there, before his dialogue showed up again. It had just been a while since we heard anything about him. A few more sentences of dialogue, and knowing what the argument is about, would ground me in the scene.
Other than those thoughts I like it!
PS: I wasn't confused about the relationships, but only because I read the synopsis. "The father" line stood out to me as a bit awkward. Maybe go with "his father" or better yet "my brother's father".
Good luck!
I was confused by who was who at the beginning, and I didn't understand that there was an argument. When he slapped the bar and said "enough" I didn't know to what that referred--enough drinking? Enough for one night?
ReplyDeleteI also couldn't picture him at the bar with two men in front of him unless he was behind the bar. But it sounds as if it's Q's bar, so why would Conrad be behind it?
After I read the log line and then re-read the excerpt, I understood much better, but I think, to make sure readers "get it" from the start, maybe a little more set up, something like, "Conrad Keane glared at the two bickering men seated with him in Quentin's bar . . ."
I'm sure you could do better, but I hope you see what I'm aiming at.
Well, I do like the voice in this, the style is quite readable. You might double check your logline for missing words: ...Keane seizes a chance to redeem years (of) poor decisions...
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, color me confused. The first line threw me off because I don't know what "Enough" refers to. Then two men jerked into silence, so my first assumption that it was two out of several others sanding there. "The father" is assumable the father to both Sean and Keane, but later we learn they also have the same recently passed mother, and if that's the case they'd be full brothers, not half brothers.
I think you need to work on clarifying the characters relationships so that we understand who's who in this story.
Good luck!
I think your voice is great for a crime novel and I like the complicated backstory between the three men. It does seem a bit confusing, but I actually like the intrigue and the questions it raises--who is the mother and why is she not mourned?
ReplyDeleteI really like the visual you set up in South Florida and fishing and then the bar. It feels salty and sweaty and tense. I'd read more to learn more of the family dynamic.
Good luck! :)
ReplyDelete