TITLE: A Certain Presence
GENRE: YA Horror
Screaming at zombies around every corner in the haunted house made my throat raw. All I wanted was a big Coke and a cinnamon covered elephant ear. Instead, I stood next to Bree behind a tat covered couple waiting for our turn in the fortune teller’s tent .
“This is going to be fun,” Bree’s eyes sparkled with excitement.
My fist squeezed the five dollar bill tighter and my heart told me to run.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love how you jump right into the action and my heart is already pounding by the end of the first five sentences. It definitely has the feel of your category and genre. I connected with the voice, too. I was a little confused about how the MC has been screaming at zombies for a while, yet his heart was just telling him to run now. I'm not clear whether the zombies were a part of some carnival they're at, or if there are real zombies attacking them. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI think this fits the genre well. I too love that it starts with some action. I was a bit confused as to the screaming at zombies and then at the carnival - I would have liked just a bit more of a transition. But its a really good start.
ReplyDeleteLove the action-packed opening. I wasn't confused by the zombies - sounds like they went on a ride with pretend zombies at the carnival. Don't think you need the tat covered couple, unless they become characters later, because that sentence feels wordy. Good emotion with the first squeezing the five dollar bill. Can't wait to read what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI was also a bit confused at how the zombies and the second sentence connected, and it only made sense when I reached the end of the paragraph. Perhaps there's a way of reorganizing that paragraph so it's clear they're not real zombies?
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like this, and there are enough elements to hint at the horror genre! Good luck!
The first three sentences seem so completely disconnected and at the same time work for me because that is exactly my level of disjointed thinking, I like this
ReplyDeleteSo it def has a YA horror vibe. I would say that the scene setting was good, except that my brain started the scene actually in the haunted house, instead of outside the fortune teller's tent, so the jump confused me. I think you need a "...had made my throat raw," so that it doesn't seem like it's the current action.
ReplyDeleteI was a little surprised by the last line. In the second, all she's thinking about is the coke and elephant ear—there's no hint of being afraid of the fortune teller, just annoyed. The need to run seems abrupt without any allusion to it earlier.
(Also, ha! We had some of those elephant ears a few weeks ago and had no idea what they were called. We were just like, "OMG, these are so good! What are they!?" I didn't know until I googled it just now.)
I definitely get a YA vibe reading this, and I really like the voice. I'm interested in why the narrator seems so nervous about getting their fortune told, but I'm on the fence on whether I'd read on or not for a couple of reasons.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence, I had to reread a couple of time to get what was meant. I like the sentiment, but the first sentence is awkward and disconnects from the rest of the paragraph. Also, the dialogue tag distracted me. It's a nit-picky thing, but it is impossible to "sparkle" something that is said. It may just be a typo, but in case it isn't, I thought I'd point it out.
Oh, yeah, I missed that. Good catch. There definitely needs to be a period after "fun."
DeleteI do that kind of thing sometimes, too, when I'm in a hurry or distracted.
This screams YA horror to me, which is awesome. Great job on making it feel like horror. I think the first sentence and the third sentence establishes this nicely. I had to read this several times to understand since the first sentence sets something else entirely in my mind compared to what's actually happening. Maybe you could add "had" before "made my throat raw" in the first sentence so readers know the narrator is talking about a past situation. The set-up of waiting in line for a fortune teller is making me want to read on :) I think you could make this seem a little creepier by adding some more description (feelings, thoughts, scenery) to explain why the main character feels like running.
ReplyDeleteThe tone feels appropriate, though these lines felt disconnected to me. What's helped me sort this type of issue out is to write in your character's voice outside of the story, either a new document or longhand, like a journal entry. Being able to show that voice right away is an immediate hook. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteThe tone feels appropriate, though these lines felt disconnected to me. What's helped me sort this type of issue out is to write in your character's voice outside of the story, either a new document or longhand, like a journal entry. Being able to show that voice right away is an immediate hook. Good luck :)
ReplyDelete