TITLE: The Relic Heir (Book 2)
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure
Today I learned my dad is alive.
Everyone who said he committed suicide was wrong. Even Mom, who swore he’d never do such a thing, that his death was just a freak accident when his plane crashed in the desert, was way off. Dad didn’t die.
He was taken.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nothing to say except Awesome! I'm totally hooked and drawn in. I am a bit confused over her? (voice sounds like her) saying she learned her dad was alive today yet it seems she knew he was taken so wouldn't she have known he was alive all this time? Something to think about but the five sentences drew me in and that was the point. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening! It drew me right in and made me want to know more! The only suggestion I have is I had to read the "Even Mom, who..." sentence twice because it was a little long and I got tripped up a little at the "that his death." Maybe a dash instead of a comma could be helpful there? Great job! Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is a great start! I also agree with gloriachao - that sentence could do with a bit of work. But otherwise, I like this! Well done, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy read was that this was an MG mystery, so I didn't get the fantasy or adventure, but it's maybe not so important in the first 5. The hook is solid. I would suggest tweaking the "Even mom" sentence b/c it sacrifices flow for information. For example, do you need freak accident, plan crash and desert all to be delivered in the first 5? Best luck to you.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, it's an intriguing opening. Strictly speaking, I don't feel like it grounds me. I mean, it's a really nice, attention-grabbing blurb (feels almost like it'd make a good query), but it also feels like backstory. I don't have a character or any action to start imaging with. I'd rather see the scene where the character finds out the truth so I can experience it, too—or at least a start with something a bit more grounding and then leading into this information.
ReplyDeleteBut it does have nice MG voice, I think, and it certainly sounds like we're gearing up for an adventure or a mystery. I would continue reading.
I liked this a lot. Interesting hook and it sounds very MG. I just wanted a better sense of the kid and how he/she felt about it all. Setting could be hinted at. Good job!
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